My husband has been after me to get writing! I'm always a little leary about making BIG commitments. & my taking on this blog is something like that. However, I've also been thinking alot about what my journey as a reluctant Pastor's Wife has been & have been wondering if there aren't many other women out there just like me... & so here I go...
I think that as I begin my first blog entry, I should inform you of some things about me that are in your best interest to know.
I have learned many a painful lesson in the past about keeping secrets. I have learned that it is just better to come out and show people who you really are.
Quite a few years ago, I began teaching a ladies Bible study. After about 6 months I had them convinced that I was truly a woman of God. Each week before they arrived, I cleaned my house from top to bottom. I made gourmet snacks & served decaf coffee in fancy teacups. & most importantly I studied my lesson dutifully to bring wisdom and truth to those ladies God had entrusted to me to lead. Then one evening, I invited my baby sister to join us.
I believe it was the first week that she informed them that they should be wary of sharing a drink with me. (Like this is a common occurrence). She explained further that I have a spittle problem. And it seems that in the crucial moment of asking for a “sip” there will always be a string of saliva hanging down between my upper and bottom lip. UGH!
If that weren’t enough she came back the next week to share an unfortunate story of the time I broke my arm while sledding. Apparently, in this particular incident I had hit a bump while going the frozen hill, flew through the air mock III and landed in a bush. As I lay sobbing, sprawled out on my stomach, she, being an unusually, unsympathetic and particularly raggedy child, climbed onto my back and peered down at me. Instantly, she becomes fascinated with my nose…, which is running down my face. And… as I sob… and heave… with each inhale… I am sucking the stream of snot back up into my nose.
Needless to say, after that, I had lost complete control and the last shred of credibility I had.
So now that I have truly bore my soul, here is what I would like you to know about me: I like to be in control. For instance. If I go grocery shopping in the St. Cloud, I have a plan. This makes sense to me. If I follow my plan, I will always be in the right lane to turn into and out of the parking lots or have a light to let me out into traffic. If my husband Chuck decides to drive with me, I know that I am most likely going to have a melt down. He will criss-cross through traffic, make a non-scheduled stop and God forbid, drive all the back up town to have lunch. I guess you can say control or lack of it has been a constant theme in my life.
I was blessed to have been born and raised in a wonderful Christian home. I grew up in the church. 2nd row. Piano side. My parents took the responsibility of teaching my sisters and me about Jesus very seriously. From a very young age, they spent time praying with me, reading me Bible stories and teaching me songs about Jesus. Some of my fondest memories are of our bedtime ritual. We would climb into bed and listen as my mom read us a Bible story and then my dad would pray. When he had finished praying and sang, seven, made up verses of "Jesus Loves the Little Children"; they would tuck us in with hugs and kisses. Although his ministry did not always allow him to do this every night, my mother did this every night until we were grown and has been known to attempt to do this when we have come back to visit. It was during one of these bed times that I asked Jesus into my heart.
Almost as long as I can remember, I have felt the call of Jesus in my life. As a young child, I insisted that I was going to become a missionary nurse and would serve Jesus in a far away country. I was mesmerized with stories told by the missionaries our church supported and devoured books about Hudson Taylor, Amy Carmichael and Jim Elliot. I must have known then though, that no matter what I wanted, God may have had a different plan. I can distinctly remember lying in bed at night pleading with God to, “send me anywhere He wanted me to”, and “to do anything He wanted do…” “Just please don’t ask me to be a pastor’s wife…”
In high school I had the privilege to go on a short term missions trip to Europe and although I maintained an appearance of being a good Christian girl to others around me, I really struggled spiritually during my teen years. Like a lot of young people in the church today, I hadn’t allowed the faith that had been ingrained inside of my head to sink into my heart. Instead I put on a happy face, battled deep insecurities, a poor self image and eventually an eating disorder in silence. Again, I feel blessed to have been part of a strong Christian family. My parent’s guidance and my conscience managed to keep me mostly out of trouble.
Trouble for me came in the form of just the most amazing boy in the whole entire world! Almost from the minute our eyes met… across the crowded room… of our 7th hour choir class. We were inseparable. He was driven and charming & just about the farthest away from being a pastor as you can get. I loved him to the point of distraction & would have followed him absolutely anywhere… & to be quite honest, 25 years later that hasn’t changed much. We married my senior year… before I graduated from high school… against my parents wishes & moved to North Carolina where Chuck was serving in the Marine Corps.
It wasn’t until a couple of years later, when our first child Joshua was born, that I began to desire something more. While I wasn’t sure I was ready to give up control of my whole life, I knew looking into his sweet little face that I wanted more for him in life than the mediocrity I was living and I knew in order to be able to raise him in a home of faith that I would have to change me.
Change for me was not easy. Joshua’s birth & Chuck’s subsequent year-long deployment to Japan brought out a lot of fear, insecurity & pain that I had been stuffing down deep inside. Don’t misunderstand me; Joshua was not part of that sadness. He was the one bright spot in my life… a beautiful, joyful, adventurous little guy that made me smile everyday… what terrified me was being without my husband, in circumstances I couldn’t control & a future what was uncertain. I wish I could say that this is where I began to rely on God completely but you see, I was a little bit mad at Him. From the time Chuck had entered the Marines I had very naively said that God would never send him away for over 6 months. I just didn’t think I could handle that & God wouldn’t ever give me more than I could handle right? Instead, I coped by finding comfort in the way I controlled food. By the time Chuck returned from Japan, my eating disorder was out of control… I was out of control.
While this should have been a happy time for our family, it served as the catalyst for a very “dark time” in our married life… we were trying to adjust to being a family again, when a tragedy in Chuck’s family created a lot of turmoil & pain for him. Instead of relying on each-other in the wake of the chaos that ensued, he began to retreat emotionally & I quickly descended into a scary place physically.
I’ll never forget the moment that I realized that I had “a problem”…. It happened when I was making Josh a hotdog for lunch. I got a little bit of ketchup on my finger… I wiped it off on a towel because I didn’t want to ingest the calories… I remember arguing with myself, “Are you kidding me? Just lick that off your finger. You are a wack-job… it’s ketchup”. I had absolutely reached rock bottom… all 90 pounds of me…
This little guy saved my life…
I really didn’t want any more children. I was perfectly content with Josh & my size 0 figure… but Chuck wanted more kids. To this day, I’m not sure why he would want to bring another baby into what we had going on, but he did. & he started “praying” about it. I’m pretty sure that is the only thing he had prayed about in about 4 years. SO… needless to say, my 90 pound, not menstruating body got pregnant… on the pill. & while it wasn’t part of my plan, having Caleb was exactly what I needed to give me the motivation to get better…
& once my head began to clear… things changed for me… I truly began seek God with all of my heart…
This was an amazing time for me. I was excited about going to church, attending Bible study, fellowshipping with other believers and studying God’s Word on my own. Not because my parents said I should, or because the Bible said to but because I wanted to. I began to learn that to be a true follower of Jesus I would have to relinquish the control I thought I had over my life and give it over to Him. This was huge for me. I also began to pray for Chuck. At first I just started out small. I prayed that he would attend church with me. As he began to come to church with me, I began to pray that he would develop a deep relationship with God become the spiritual leader of our household.
God answered my prayers and over time our lives were changed completely. Chuck began to feel the call to full time ministry and began working on his master’s degree in Christian Psychology. It was our plan that he would go to work for a Christian counseling center while he worked on his doctorate. We hoped that once his education was completed that he would be able to start his own practice. I loved this plan. We had a good life, two wonderful children, a beautiful new home and went on fabulous vacations. We were living the suburban American dream.
Then late one night, Chuck came home from school and sat me down to talk. He confided that he had been praying about changing his major… to pastoral counseling. I said something like, “What does that mean?” He told me he was feeling called to be a pastor and I was beginning to panic. I’d love to say that I was encouraging and supportive. Instead, I had a mini meltdown. I told him, “This isn’t part of the plan” and quite frankly I didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he should go back and pray some more. Was he sure he heard right?
He did hear right and I found myself asking God to change my heart.
When the Minister of Youth and Families position opened up at the church where we grew up, Chuck was excited beyond belief for opportunity to begin our ministry in our hometown of Cedarville, Michigan. I was a little less excited. The first time we discussed it, I said, “Oh great! You know the have had a couple of super-pastor’s wives, including my mother, up there. How am I supposed to live up to them?” He just smiled.
I have to admit the first couple of months were especially hard for me. I put a lot of pressure on myself to fit into the “Pastor’s Wife” mold I had created in my mind. Again I had to come to the realization that the control I was trying so desperately to hold onto was spinning me farther and farther out of it. Once I came to terms with this, I hoped that God would take all of my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy right away. But I have to admit that it has taken a lot longer than I would have liked. Part of struggling with self-worth is that it’s just so hard to see the good qualities that God has naturally gifted you with. My focus had become so skewed. I had allowed the negative, critical things that people had said over the years, to soak into my soul & had accepted it as truth. It wasn’t until I was able to truly see myself through God’s eyes that I was able to move past all that negative self-talk. I’ve had to learn to give myself grace, to accept the gifts that God has given me rather than long for those I think I should have or that look more appealing on others.
I have a dear friend who is an agnostic. We were talking one day about a church event I had been to, where there had been a lady playing the accordion. She laughed & said, “If you learned to play the accordion, I would go to church with you.” Needless to say, I took several months of lessons so I could play Mary Had a Little Lamb in church. She came to the Christmas Eve service to hear me play. On my way out, a gentleman pulled me aside & said to me, “Sweetie… you have a gift. I don’t know what it is but it’s definitely a gift.” It might seem kind of silly but that was about the nicest thing anybody could have said to me during that time & it is a constant reminder to me to weigh my words carefully. You never know when a kind word can buoy someone’s spirit.
I am so grateful to God for those 6 incredible years that we were able to minister in that church. Living in Michigan’s north woods afforded us a slower pace of life where we could nurture our relationships with God, with each other & with our boys. It was also here that God blessed us with our beautiful daughter Hannah.
As I began to let my guard down & open my heart to what Chuck was doing, I was surprised to find myself relating to the teens, especially the young women. I found it completely natural to come along side them as a friend… to love & encourage them in their walks with the Lord & in their struggles as young women. One of those girls is one of my dearest friends today. Several weeks ago, Chuck & I traveled to Utah where Chuck performed her wedding.
I began to see God’s hand of protection & providence over my life… I began to see purpose to my life & embrace God’s plan for me… Oh my goodness what an amazing thing. Not because of anything I can do in my own strength but because of what God can do with a broken, messed up preacher’s kid.
As God was working in my heart, He was also working in Chuck’s. While the youth ministry program Chuck had started was growing & thriving he was feeling God’s calling for him begin to change. We began to pray that God would show us where & what He wanted us to do. As we prayed, we began to see very clearly that God was leading us to leave our home & for him to pursue a senior pastor position. Part of this process was for us to contact the 4C’s group that Chuck is ordained through & ask them to send us church profiles that were looking for a senior pastor. We took some time to pray over the paperwork both together. We decided to take the profiles separately & number them 1-10 & come back together to talk. ACC was #1 for both of us. There was something that just felt right about it. So Chuck applied for the job. The search committee called us to come out to Minnesota to preach at Community Country church & see the area. We had an amazing time getting to know the search committee & learning about the community. I guess they felt the same about us because before we left the parking lot of the Landing on the Sunday we were to head for home, the committee chair asked us to come back to officially candidate. So the following month, we came back to do just that.
As we drove home from that second trip it was very apparent to us that God was calling us to Avon. Early the next morning, I pulled on my wet suit & headed out on my morning kayak. I was conflicted. I was so excited about the possibility of this new adventure God might have for us. & yet, I was comfortable. I loved my home, my friends, my job. I loved being a youth pastor’s wife… & I was fearful. I wasn’t sure that I had the wisdom or experience to be a senior pastor’s wife. Would I be able to show patience & grace when my husband & children were criticized? Would I be able to be myself, or struggle with trying to be someone I thought the church might expect me to be? Would I be courageous enough to let down my guard to be all God wanted me to be?
That cold November morning… I poured out all of those insecurities to God… & I felt Him speak to my spirit… “Just GO… I will sustain you.” Finally, off the coast of Lake Huron, I threw up my hands & yelled at the sky, “WHATEVER LORD!” Immediately, an incredible peace washed over me.
Later that week when we received the call to move to Minnesota it was with complete peace that I was able to support my husband in his decision to accept the position.
Here’s the really amazing part! Since we have been here at ACC, God has not only given me the courage to be who I am but has grown me in ways I never could have imagined. The guard I was so fearful about maintaining has been completely broken down. I am exactly who you see… the good, the bad & the ugly.
I do have to admit though, that giving up my controlling ways continues to be a process. Although, I am grateful to be in a healthy place spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally, I still find myself giving little things to God every day. But I know my heart has changed. I don’t want to dig my heels in and fight God anymore. I want to be like soft clay in His hands. I’ve been that hard crusty stuff that’s been left out on the table all night and it’s really painful to be molded. I desire to be all that God wants me to be even if it’s not part of my plan.
You know, when I started writing this down to share with the ladies of my church this fall at our first ever Elder's Wives Dinner , I thought I would be talking about transparency & how important it is to be authentic people. As I continued to work through it, I thought maybe it would be more about how important it is to use the gifts that God has given us (no matter how insignificant they seem) to edify the body of Christ. But I asked Chuck to read over my thoughts the morning before I was to speak, he shared that it was very apparent to him that this message is really about surrendering our control into the loving hands of Jesus. I love how my husband thinks… that truly is the testimony of my life.
As I close this first blog entry I want to leave you with this final thought of something I read recently by C.S. Lewis...
Ah... Lord... May you always be at home in my heart!
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
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