a great big 'sapfest'

“So it's not gonna be easy. 

It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. 

 I want all of you, forever, everyday. 

You and me... everyday.”

-Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook 

 

I’ve been thinking about these two kids all month. It’s hard to put into words how I feel about them.  Despite their age & against all odds, today they will have been married twenty-five years. 

Yeah. If you haven’t already guessed it, these two babies are me & my Chuck. 

When I look at this picture I can’t help but wonder if we even had a clue what saying “I do” meant or what that commitment would create.  Oh we did have youthful hopes & dreams for our life together but I doubt we could have ever imagined the life we have for ourselves. 

As far as I can remember, we knew just two things. 

We loved each other to the point of distraction & we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 So here we are twenty-five years later. 

Three beautiful children.

  A beautiful daughter-in-law.

   & a daughter-in-law to be.

   A life.

Somehow in this moment money doesn’t matter, our jobs don’t matter, our stuff doesn’t matter…
what does matter is the legacy of love we are leaving our children & our grandchildren. 

We love, because He first loved us. -1 John 4:19

 

hands free... sort of...

Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
    a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship
    when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love
    don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

 –Psalm 51:16 & 17 (the Message) 

 I don’t know about you but I feel like when I determine to DO something… I mean, really make a commitment to work on something… that’s when the going gets rough. 

Yesterday, as we began to travel home from our vacation, I was so excited to get crackin’ on some things that I feel God leading me to give up & others He is leading me to. To help you understand where I’m coming from, here’s my little Facebook ‘announcement’ that I posted on the flight home yesterday… 

“Ok. So. You remember "Seven"? The Jen Hatmaker book I read a couple of years ago on the plane ride to Florida? No? You should... I talked about it non-stop for like six months before we put our house up for sale & made a downsizing life change that wrecked us for good. 

Well, it’s happened again. Dundundunnnnnnn! 

On the plane ride to Florida last week, I began reading a book given to me by a dear friend who thought it just 'felt like me'.

Mmmmmm... She couldn't have been more right. It's called "Hands Free Mama" & it’s by a gal named Rachel Macy Stafford.

It caused me to pause & take stock of where I am now in simplifying my life... Not in the 'things' department but in the way I spend my time. Oh my goodness people! The Holy Spirit moved. A heart was broken. Tears were shed. Something deep inside sprung forth & passion was ignited.

 I don't know why God seems to take these seemingly relaxing times to bash me upside my head & wreck my life for the good. Maybe cause my resistance is down. Maybe it’s the lack of my everyday distractions. Or maybe it's as simple as I hate to fly & my heart is wide open to hear Him speak to my heart when I'm gripping the arm rests of my seat & praying for a miracle. Whatever the reason, for the first time in a long time, I am excited to get back to real life.

I'm excited to talk about what He is teaching me... Don't roll your eyes into the back of your head, I'm growing. So I'll try not to smack YOU in the face with it or light a similar fire under your tookis. I'll leave that stuff up to God. Although if you see me coming with a box of matches, you might just want to hit the ground running. I'm so stinkin' excited & ready to share how I feel & see God moving, somewhat painfully, in my own heart & the life altering work I feel Him nudging... um... er... Kicking me out of my comfort zone to DO.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not so much down on the whole pain thing but in this case I am embracing it. Why? Because while the truth hurts... the truth heals.

So get ready... I'm coming home all refreshed, renewed & revived with my heart full & my hands empty. This hands free mama is on her way... Whooooohooooo! :D”

Yeah. You probably see where this whole thing is going now right? 

Anyhoo… 

I’ve committed to really be intentional about my time with our daughter. As our family dynamics have drastically changed over the last couple of years, parenting her has become a new kind of challenge. When her brothers were at home we were very intentional about our family time. It was important to us to have deep relationships with them that would grow & change as they did… There were never TVs or computers in their bedrooms & we set time limits on both.  & while they both played football & were active at school & church, we were very careful to have dinner at the table together every night. We were deliberate about our evening times together as well. We’d gather after supper in the living room where we would talk, play games, watch movies & spend time just being a family. Our home was filled with their friends & their noise & their laughter. 

With Hannah it’s different. She’s become an only child. While I find that her social & extracurricular schedule is a little busier than that of her brothers, with dance & guitar & her small group, I have also found that when we are home, she is happy to pull out the iPad to play a game or watch a movie or curl up with in her bed with a book. With her ‘occupied’, I’ve had more time to myself to read, blog & fill up the white space of my calendar with church lady stuff. While these things aren’t bad in & of themselves, over time, they have developed into distractions that keep me away from my child & that is not what I want. 

You see, being on vacation with our whole family made me realize something. Our intentionality while our boys were at home, has not only strengthened the bond we have with them as they have become adults but it readied the ground on which more mature friendships have grown. I know our boys. I really KNOW them. 

I want this with my daughter. She deserves to have a present, engaging & hands on mama. So I made some commitments to God & to her in my heart while we were away. 

I should have known that making this kind of decision would open me up to the enemy. He would rather our family be fragmented… have us continue to each do our own thing & ultimately have us feel alone, unsupported & disconnected. 

The night before we were to fly home, Hannah developed some kind of tummy thing that had she & I up most of the night in the bathroom. Normally, any kind of sickness (day or night) falls on my husband. He’s so much better with that kind of stuff than I am but because I am working on turning over a new leaf & be engaging even if it’s WAAY out of my comfort zone, I found myself kneeling beside her on the cold tile in the middle of the night, holding her hair & rubbing her back. At one point, she thanked me for being there & apologized for keeping me awake. It pierced my heart. Of course I should be there. I want to be there. I’m her mumma after all. 

I’d love to say that she was fully recovered by the time we got on the plane in the morning but she wasn’t. It made for a long traveling day for everyone. When we finally arrived home yesterday, I prescribed a quiet pajama movie night for all & curled up with her on the couch. We could unpack & grocery shop tomorrow. Sigh. 

But, just when it seemed as if all was well. It wasn’t. Between the fever & the crazy dreams, Hannah popped up by the side of my bed several times after I lay down, begging for one thing or another. Finally, around 3am, I gave up, grabbed my pillow & went & crawled into bed with her. At least there all she’d have to do was touch my shoulder & ask me for something.

As I lay there staring at the ceiling & listening to her breathing, I began to wonder if all of this was a test of my will. To see if I would stick with my commitment to live in the present & not worry about everything I have to do when I’m not on vacation.

Needless to say, my 5am wake-up call was not very welcome. As I drug myself into the living room for a cup of coffee, I poured all of my middle-of-the-night thoughts (plus a little more about the cold & the snow & the general non-warm climate we live in), out onto my groggy looking husband who asked, 

“So are you saying you think that her sickness, your lack of sleep & the fact that it is snowing right now is a distraction from the enemy to get you off track?” 

“Maybe”, I answered. 

“Hmph. I hope whatever you are doing doesn’t affect your attitude,” he quipped back far too quickly. 

I raised an eyebrow. I bit my tongue. 

I proceed to explain again, how I made this commitment to God to be more present & more engaged with Hannah & with him… I am reminding myself at this point NOT to show the aforementioned ‘attitude’ & to give him a break… it is after all 5am & it is snowing outside. His brain may have been flash frozen when we landed in Minnesota yesterday. 

For a few minutes my sweet husband just looked at me. Then he sighed & appears to wink in my direction. “These commitments you make to God in your heart affect all of us. You should tell me these things right away.” 

I smile weakly. 

I know he’s right. It’s rare that God moves softly & gently in me. Instead, I think He finds it more productive to thwack me in the forehead & lay it out in way that leaves no doubt. & once God presses something upon my heart I can’t seem to shake it… resistance is futile. It’s much better when I just pick myself up, rub that sore spot on my forehead, pull up my big girl pants, lace up my running shoes & begin running in the right direction. Drat. 

It’s likely this concept of living in the moment will take over my life in the next few months so… brace yourself. Even now, I feel the Holy Spirit moving & pruning & weeding inside my heart to make room for a new way of learning & growing & living. 

I’m still excited, just a little more realistic about where I am going & what it’s going to take to get there. 

“Growth comes from God, to those with surrendered, yielded hearts.”  

-Mary E. DeMuth, Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus

come apart & rest awhile...

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, 
and I will give you rest." -Jesus, Matthew 11:28 (NIV) 
 
There's just something about coming away from real life for a while...

I've pretty much been living in my swimsuit & flip flops for a week.  Make up doesn't matter... messy hair doesn't matter... the fact that my nose is covered with freckles & my front two teeth are crooked doesn't matter.

The cruel inner voice I sometimes battle has been silent & the poor self-image that sometimes rears it's ugly head has been quiet...

Because what DOES matter is happening right now. In this moment.

Its happening while I have coffee with my husband in my sweatpants on our cottage porch. It's holding his hand as we walk down the beach at sunrise. It's in sharing our deepest thoughts & dreams as we listen to the ocean breeze in bed at night. 

It's in swimming in the pool with my daughter & not caring what I look like in a swimsuit. It's in picking up seashells with her on the beach & shopping for souvenirs for her girlfriends in the little shops downtown. It's in having ice cream & laughing when we lose half of it on the sidewalk. It's the way she presses into me for a hug or grabs my hand as we walk.

It's in watching our boys play together & laugh together even though they are mostly grown... Ok... So they are grown... I may be a little bit in denial.

It's having precious time with my parents, being able to really talk with them in person. It's in  listening to my daughter-in-law as she shares her faith story with my mom & seeing them both talk & laugh with their grandchildren.

It's in watching our son read scripture in the church where he & our daughter-in-law minister. It's seeing their new apartment & playing with their dogs. It's in the way my daughter-in-law looks at my son & the way he loves her.

It's in witnessing our younger son's engagement & celebrating this new relationship with him & his fiancé. It's in knowing that he is at peace with his life & his path.

It's in many precious little moments I might have missed had I not truly left the cares of my real life behind. It's the blessing of coming apart & resting awhile...

Our family... Florida 2014

“Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, 

nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, 

 but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now.” 

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

an adventure to Hodag country...

By yourself you’re unprotected.  
With a friend you can face the worst.  
Can you round up a third?  
A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.

                              Ecclesiastes 4:12 (the Message) 

There is something incredibly precious about friendships that stand the test of time… particularly the ones that have been sustained from our childhood years. I think this is one of the many reasons why I am so attached to my husband… other than the fact that he is the most awesome person I know & the fact that he is smokin’ hot.  We were kids together. We grew up together. He knows everything about me so there’s no fooling that guy. 

Min & I, circa 1987

Outside of my family, my other constant has been my BFF Mindi. We’ve been thick as thieves since we were 15 years old & played junior varsity basketball together. She was really good. I was… well, let’s just say I was really entertaining.  We did all the typical teen things together; hung out at lunch together, went to sporting events & trekked thirty miles to the movies. We had sleepovers & went to dances & talked about boys & laughed a lot. One time, when I was grounded, she stayed home & watched the high school football game with me from the roof of my garage. Our senior year, she chose to be a bridesmaid in my wedding, even though that meant she had to rewear that ugly, pink, monstrosity of a dress to the prom a month later. Bless her heart. 

After high school, we went our separate ways… she headed off to college & I headed to North Carolina to be a wife. We didn’t talk a lot but we did manage to get together to hang out from time to time & when we did, it was like time had never passed. We just managed to pick up, right where we left off.

My Mindi friend has always been strong. Her life’s journey has made her this way. She’s not afraid to stand her ground in a confrontation or from a difficult situation.  She is courageous & assertive & if I was in a fight, I’d want her on my side. She could totally kick my butt. 

Last year, Mindi met Jesus & it changed her life. While we talk at least once a week on the phone, because she lives to far away & I don’t have of the privilege to see her every day; I haven’t seen the transformation fully. 

This past weekend, Min & I met half-way to spend a little girl time together.  We planned some time to spend snowshoeing, exploring a couple of little towns in Northern Wisconsin & to vowed to take a picture of at least one hodag (a) . As usual, on top of all that, we managed to eat way too much ‘not-so-good-for-you’ food, drank way too much fancy coffee & stayed up far too late giggling.

Something had changed though…  Mindi.  As I watched her over the weekend I saw something that a conversation over the phone could not tell me. My Mindi friend has become a softie.  Now don’t get me wrong, she’s still strong but she’s also compassionate. She’s still courageous but she’s also gentle. As she has allowed Jesus full access into her life, He is taking her strengths & her weaknesses & He is making her exactly who He wants her to be.  I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am for my beautiful friend & for my friendship with her. 

God is so scary good! 

Mindi & I with... the Hodag

 You can go through life and make new friends every year - every month practically - but there was never any substitute for those friendships of childhood that survive into adult years. 

Those are the ones in which we are bound to one another with hoops of steel.” 

- Alexander McCall Smith, The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency

(a) The Hodag is a folkloric animal of the American state of Wisconsin. Its history is focused mainly around the city of Rhinelander in northern Wisconsin, where it was said to have been discovered.

In 1893, newspapers reported the discovery of a Hodag in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. It had "the head of a frog, the grinning face of a giant elephant, thick short legs set off by huge claws, the back of a dinosaur, and a long tail with spears at the end". The reports were instigated by well-known Wisconsin land surveyor, timber cruiser and prankster Eugene Shepard,^[1] who rounded up a group of local people to capture the animal.^[2] The group reported that they needed to use dynamite to kill the beast.^[3]
A photograph of the remains of the charred beast was released to the media. It was "the fiercest, strangest, most frightening monster ever to set razor sharp claws on the earth. It became extinct after its main food source, all white bulldogs, became scarce in the area." -Wikipedia