hands free... sort of...

Going through the motions doesn’t please you,
    a flawless performance is nothing to you. I learned God-worship
    when my pride was shattered. Heart-shattered lives ready for love
    don’t for a moment escape God’s notice.

 –Psalm 51:16 & 17 (the Message) 

 I don’t know about you but I feel like when I determine to DO something… I mean, really make a commitment to work on something… that’s when the going gets rough. 

Yesterday, as we began to travel home from our vacation, I was so excited to get crackin’ on some things that I feel God leading me to give up & others He is leading me to. To help you understand where I’m coming from, here’s my little Facebook ‘announcement’ that I posted on the flight home yesterday… 

“Ok. So. You remember "Seven"? The Jen Hatmaker book I read a couple of years ago on the plane ride to Florida? No? You should... I talked about it non-stop for like six months before we put our house up for sale & made a downsizing life change that wrecked us for good. 

Well, it’s happened again. Dundundunnnnnnn! 

On the plane ride to Florida last week, I began reading a book given to me by a dear friend who thought it just 'felt like me'.

Mmmmmm... She couldn't have been more right. It's called "Hands Free Mama" & it’s by a gal named Rachel Macy Stafford.

It caused me to pause & take stock of where I am now in simplifying my life... Not in the 'things' department but in the way I spend my time. Oh my goodness people! The Holy Spirit moved. A heart was broken. Tears were shed. Something deep inside sprung forth & passion was ignited.

 I don't know why God seems to take these seemingly relaxing times to bash me upside my head & wreck my life for the good. Maybe cause my resistance is down. Maybe it’s the lack of my everyday distractions. Or maybe it's as simple as I hate to fly & my heart is wide open to hear Him speak to my heart when I'm gripping the arm rests of my seat & praying for a miracle. Whatever the reason, for the first time in a long time, I am excited to get back to real life.

I'm excited to talk about what He is teaching me... Don't roll your eyes into the back of your head, I'm growing. So I'll try not to smack YOU in the face with it or light a similar fire under your tookis. I'll leave that stuff up to God. Although if you see me coming with a box of matches, you might just want to hit the ground running. I'm so stinkin' excited & ready to share how I feel & see God moving, somewhat painfully, in my own heart & the life altering work I feel Him nudging... um... er... Kicking me out of my comfort zone to DO.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not so much down on the whole pain thing but in this case I am embracing it. Why? Because while the truth hurts... the truth heals.

So get ready... I'm coming home all refreshed, renewed & revived with my heart full & my hands empty. This hands free mama is on her way... Whooooohooooo! :D”

Yeah. You probably see where this whole thing is going now right? 

Anyhoo… 

I’ve committed to really be intentional about my time with our daughter. As our family dynamics have drastically changed over the last couple of years, parenting her has become a new kind of challenge. When her brothers were at home we were very intentional about our family time. It was important to us to have deep relationships with them that would grow & change as they did… There were never TVs or computers in their bedrooms & we set time limits on both.  & while they both played football & were active at school & church, we were very careful to have dinner at the table together every night. We were deliberate about our evening times together as well. We’d gather after supper in the living room where we would talk, play games, watch movies & spend time just being a family. Our home was filled with their friends & their noise & their laughter. 

With Hannah it’s different. She’s become an only child. While I find that her social & extracurricular schedule is a little busier than that of her brothers, with dance & guitar & her small group, I have also found that when we are home, she is happy to pull out the iPad to play a game or watch a movie or curl up with in her bed with a book. With her ‘occupied’, I’ve had more time to myself to read, blog & fill up the white space of my calendar with church lady stuff. While these things aren’t bad in & of themselves, over time, they have developed into distractions that keep me away from my child & that is not what I want. 

You see, being on vacation with our whole family made me realize something. Our intentionality while our boys were at home, has not only strengthened the bond we have with them as they have become adults but it readied the ground on which more mature friendships have grown. I know our boys. I really KNOW them. 

I want this with my daughter. She deserves to have a present, engaging & hands on mama. So I made some commitments to God & to her in my heart while we were away. 

I should have known that making this kind of decision would open me up to the enemy. He would rather our family be fragmented… have us continue to each do our own thing & ultimately have us feel alone, unsupported & disconnected. 

The night before we were to fly home, Hannah developed some kind of tummy thing that had she & I up most of the night in the bathroom. Normally, any kind of sickness (day or night) falls on my husband. He’s so much better with that kind of stuff than I am but because I am working on turning over a new leaf & be engaging even if it’s WAAY out of my comfort zone, I found myself kneeling beside her on the cold tile in the middle of the night, holding her hair & rubbing her back. At one point, she thanked me for being there & apologized for keeping me awake. It pierced my heart. Of course I should be there. I want to be there. I’m her mumma after all. 

I’d love to say that she was fully recovered by the time we got on the plane in the morning but she wasn’t. It made for a long traveling day for everyone. When we finally arrived home yesterday, I prescribed a quiet pajama movie night for all & curled up with her on the couch. We could unpack & grocery shop tomorrow. Sigh. 

But, just when it seemed as if all was well. It wasn’t. Between the fever & the crazy dreams, Hannah popped up by the side of my bed several times after I lay down, begging for one thing or another. Finally, around 3am, I gave up, grabbed my pillow & went & crawled into bed with her. At least there all she’d have to do was touch my shoulder & ask me for something.

As I lay there staring at the ceiling & listening to her breathing, I began to wonder if all of this was a test of my will. To see if I would stick with my commitment to live in the present & not worry about everything I have to do when I’m not on vacation.

Needless to say, my 5am wake-up call was not very welcome. As I drug myself into the living room for a cup of coffee, I poured all of my middle-of-the-night thoughts (plus a little more about the cold & the snow & the general non-warm climate we live in), out onto my groggy looking husband who asked, 

“So are you saying you think that her sickness, your lack of sleep & the fact that it is snowing right now is a distraction from the enemy to get you off track?” 

“Maybe”, I answered. 

“Hmph. I hope whatever you are doing doesn’t affect your attitude,” he quipped back far too quickly. 

I raised an eyebrow. I bit my tongue. 

I proceed to explain again, how I made this commitment to God to be more present & more engaged with Hannah & with him… I am reminding myself at this point NOT to show the aforementioned ‘attitude’ & to give him a break… it is after all 5am & it is snowing outside. His brain may have been flash frozen when we landed in Minnesota yesterday. 

For a few minutes my sweet husband just looked at me. Then he sighed & appears to wink in my direction. “These commitments you make to God in your heart affect all of us. You should tell me these things right away.” 

I smile weakly. 

I know he’s right. It’s rare that God moves softly & gently in me. Instead, I think He finds it more productive to thwack me in the forehead & lay it out in way that leaves no doubt. & once God presses something upon my heart I can’t seem to shake it… resistance is futile. It’s much better when I just pick myself up, rub that sore spot on my forehead, pull up my big girl pants, lace up my running shoes & begin running in the right direction. Drat. 

It’s likely this concept of living in the moment will take over my life in the next few months so… brace yourself. Even now, I feel the Holy Spirit moving & pruning & weeding inside my heart to make room for a new way of learning & growing & living. 

I’m still excited, just a little more realistic about where I am going & what it’s going to take to get there. 

“Growth comes from God, to those with surrendered, yielded hearts.”  

-Mary E. DeMuth, Everything: What You Give and What You Gain to Become Like Jesus