“Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind
of battle”
–J. M. Barrie
 |
| My heart is so sad tonight at the news of Robin Williams passing. Such a brilliant man who made us laugh & made us cry. May his death remind us to seize the day... to seize each moment we are given. May we reach out & cling to the One who has given us breath. Carpe diem. RIP Robin... |
Last night the news trickled in… actor, comedian, father, husband,
philanthropist Robin Williams, lost his life due to his battle with depression.
I was overcome with sadness for this brilliant, beautiful soul snuffed out... it is almost incomprehensible .
It’s strange how this loss, awakened memories from somewhere deep inside of me, that I
rarely talk about. In those first moments, I found myself looking back at my
own battle with an agonizing depression brought on by a near crippling eating disorder. It took
me right back to a time in my own kitchen, some twenty years ago, where I was
making my little boys lunch. It was macaroni & cheese & hot dog men that day. Their
favorite. As I decorated those hot dogs with little ketchup feet, some ketchup
leaked over onto my finger. Instead of doing the obvious, licking the ketchup
off said thumb, I stared at it for a minute & then wiped it off on a
kitchen towel. I just couldn’t stand thought of putting those extra calories in
my mouth. In that instant, I realized how sick I really was. Slowly I sank to
the floor in a puddle of tears. I hated myself & this disease so stinkin’ much… this horrible,
secret, debilitating cancer of the mind that had consumed not only my body but everything
good in my life. I felt hopeless to escape it, mortified to be in it & wasn’t sure I
deserved to live long enough to make the changes I needed to anyway.
You see, I understand the kind of self-loathing that comes with
depression. I understand not wanting to get up in the morning or take a shower
or get dressed. I understand feeling like you aren’t
enough… or that you are too much. I understand the horror of believing that you
don’t deserve life or love or beauty. That somehow the pain of living inside your
skin is far worse than the pain you will leave behind. A couple of times in my darkest moments, I considered running my
car off the road so Hubs could still receive my death benefits. I seriously thought he might be
better off without me & my stupid, ugly, valueless life. I also understand the
shame from feeling these things. The fear that someone might see your pain
& not care… or worse, that they might want to do something about it.
Depression in its many shapes & forms isolates. It destroys all that
is good & beautiful in life. Worst of all, it obliterates truth.
What truth you might ask?
The truth that God has created you uniquely for a purpose. (Ephesians
2:10) That He formed you in your mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). That He knows
each & every hair on your head (Matthew 10:30). That your story is so
powerful that your life can change the course of another. (Hebrews 3:13)This. This is the truth that set me free from the lies that bound me. I couldn't save me... I didn't have the strength. Neither could Hubs... though he tried valiantly. It was Jesus & His unfailing love & miraculous grace that brought me out of the dark & into His Light. The Light of Life.
Today, in the aftermath of this tragedy I pray that we will all realize how precious we are, how much we are loved & valued & treasured. & I pray that those who are struggling in the darkness alone, will find the courage to ask for help.
"For we are His
workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared
beforehand so that we would walk in them."
- Ephesians 2:10
No comments:
Post a Comment