Sunday Through a Pastor's Eyes

Recently, Hubs read me the following letter. He had found something like it on a ministry leadership site he frequents & he rewrote it to mirror his own experiences... I was so moved by it's authenticity & by my Hubs heart. So because it is Sunday Eve & I'm pretty sure my Hubs won't (he wouldn't want to seem like he was complaining... which to be honest, he rarely does), I am choosing to share it here with you with hope that you will read it with an open heart & mind & that by giving you a peek into the mind of my Hubs (& I'd bet many other pastors as well) on Sunday mornings that you might understand better how much he loves Jesus & all of you...  

 

"Why is it that Sunday's at 8 a.m. feels early? Driving to the church on empty streets, I hope that I will have time to go over my message once again before the worship service begins. I often wonder if there will ever come a day where I will feel 'ready' before Sunday services begin.
 

I see that Andrew, the area wanderer, who has adopted us, is waiting in his car in the parking lot.  I drive in and think to myself, "I hope today is one of his 'good' days."  You never know. "Good morning, Andrew.  Church doesn't start for another hour or so but you're welcome to come in with me and we can get a fresh pot of coffee started and you can warm up."  As I let us both into the building, I wonder if it's wise to be alone with him. I can see it's not one of his better days.

I've pretty familiar with the sounds of the empty church, but I hear something different this morning as I walk past one of the restrooms. Has the hand dryer been running all night again? I step inside to see if I can figure something out but I'm a pastor with absolutely no mechanical ability.  I guess our utilities bills will go over budget again, and once we pay for an electrician, the bank account will take an even bigger hit. Let's hope giving this month makes room for stuck hand dryers. I'll drop a note to the property chairperson.

On my way to the office, I check in on the sanctuary where the greeters are arriving and the worship team are setting up their instruments. "Good morning! Thanks for everything you all do!" I say as I turn my attention to the thermostat on the wall to make sure its set appropriately for service. Looks like we need more candles for the alter too, so I head for the office.

Finally, dropping my coat off on my desk, I have that nagging feeling that I should go over my sermon one more time. I go through the checklist in mind: Will thinking more about it really make a difference? Is there a chance that I will cross the line between under-prepared and over-prepared? Have I left room for the Spirit of God to work in it or is it too much of me? Man!  Will I ever have a Sunday where I'm comfortable with this?  I really should get those candles and write that email about the electrician.

Speaking of electrician, I probably should head back to the bathroom before people start arriving. On my way I notice Lawrence, one of our most faithful members, shoveling the walk again. I wave at him through the window and mouth the words, "Thank you!" "I really should invite Larry and his wife to dinner.  Such faithful people. Maybe next month."

Arlene rounds the corner and jokes with Dan then hustles inside. Greeting her with a hug, I ask if things are any different at home since the last time we met. Her face screams that it isn't but she does her best to reassure me that things are fine.  I'm at a loss as to how best to comfort her in light of the troubles she's facing. A sound tech pops his head out of the sanctuary and asks if I know where we keep the extra batteries. I quickly move the conversation with Arlene along and then excuse myself to dig around for batteries. Oh, and those candles too.

There's still time to get in that bathroom break before the service starts so I quickly scoot in that direction.  Passing the church office, I check in with the Elders and we have a quick run through the order of service and pray for the day. As we pray I remember that I never did go over the sermon that one last time and so I add a prayer that God will work through it all anyway. I feel Caleb's reassuring presence beside me during the prayer.  After the prayer is done he asks me how I am. He's the closest thing to a friend I have here and I'd dearly love to tell him everything. But what exactly would I say?  Besides, I realize there isn't time to go into it now, with the service about to begin. So I pull myself away from the elder's to head to the bathroom where I finally relax for a moment before heading out to start ramping things up. I realize that Sunday should never be a performance so I shouldn't be anxious yet, something huge is about to happen, and I feel the weight of the responsibility I have in helping make it happen.

Finally, making it to the sanctuary and getting to my seat, the service goes pretty much as usual. There's a commotion at one point as someone spilled coffee on the floor.  A few slides don't match the music. As we are singing the beautiful songs, I feel bad that my mind is not engaged in the lyrics of such theology but rather thinking about whether or not I have water up in the pulpit.  So, I duck out of the church to go make sure I have a bottle of water ready.  As I duck into the into the kitchen to get the water, I see the coffee volunteers are still there, cleaning up. I take time to thank them for their work and ask them how they are. As I am getting ready to head back to the sanctuary, one pulls me aside and picks up on a story he started telling me last week, a detailed analysis on the state of his intestines. I really hope my mic is off. I really do hope he'll be okay. Then I hope it's not contagious. I can hear the final song of the worship set wrapping up and I realize I have to run. As I dash back into the sanctuary just in time, I see I've forgotten my water bottle.

As I reenter the sanctuary, I make the choice to turn my hurried entrance into positive energy and set aside my self-accusation that I wasn't standing in prayerful preparation with the rest of these worshippers.  As I find my sermon notes and gather my thoughts, I'm happy to see people seem engaged. A few respond with laughter in the right places. At one point, I lose my train of thought and at another I forget an important segue, but I laugh at myself to pretend I don't care. Toward the end of the sermon, I notice a young man in tears in the back and hope they're good tears. As I'm getting ready to wrap this thing up, a new thought falls into place in my mind, something with rhythm that bears repeating, so I repeat it. Now, I check the time to see just how far off I am.  The final pieces that refused to fit together at my computer come together here as I speak, not only for my congregation but for me. When it's done I hope it also meant something to someone else.

The rest of the service is a blur of the words I say every week over offerings and communions and announcements and doxologies.  As I take a seat at the end of the service, I do so with a sigh. It was good and now it's done. I bow my head and the prayer feels so right. Or is it good because it lets me rest my eyes? Regardless, I am breathe a sigh of relief.  

I glance up from prayer to see a new couple enthusiastically moving towards me. I've asked their names twice now. It was two J's. Justin and Joanne? John and Julie? I see their faces and hope it means they enjoyed the sermon. But then I question my motives.  Is it my ego, wanting some sign that my work is effective? Is it good to want proof that God can use my feeble offerings to bless others? This new couple has just moved into the area and own a realty company and ask if they could hand out business cards and fliers in the foyer as people leave church.  As they hand me a business card, I see the teary young man standing tentatively behind them. He has that, "I'd like to speak to you but I'm standing a little way off so I don't intrude on your current conversation" posture. I smile at him to let him know I've seen him and try to find a way to include him.

My daughter brushes up against me and although I can't tear away from the chatty couple, I pull her close to me. I hope that she senses my attention even if it's divided. This girl has sacrificed more for this place than anyone knows, and I don't want her growing up thinking I cared more for my parishioners than I did for her. As I try to focus on what this new couple is saying, I miss it as I notice that the teary man has left. I hope he comes back next Sunday. I pray that God will guide him through whatever brought him to tears. I finally attend to my daughter's question, careful to give her at least as much of my energy as I give everyone else, and she skips back to her friends. I take the business card and apologize to the two J's, "I'm sorry but you'll have to pass out your fliers somewhere else.  Church isn't the appropriate place for that."  

As the couple walks away and I wonder if I'll ever see them again, I let my eyes scan the room. Is there anyone left standing alone? Any newcomer un-welcomed? People gather in happy groups, and I'm glad to see there aren't any loners. And at the same time, it saddens me. That makes me the only one.

Turning my attention to the final tasks to be wrapped up, I begin to feel my heart rate fall back to normal. As I walk through the entire building and with each door I lock, I find myself hitting a wall.  I can't wait to get home.  Lights are off.  Last of the people are mulling out the door.  I follow them to my car.  As I open my car door, I hear, "Pastor, before you go, can we pray? I have exams this week and I don't feel ready." Of course we can pray. It's what I'm here for. But I think, "If I had already left, would he have been okay? Would he have prayed without me?"  I feel for him genuinely as he shares his family's expectations and the pressure he feels, how he hasn't been able to sleep, which means he can't focus to study. It's beyond anything I can do to help so we pray.  I give his week to the Lord and we both feel a little better. "Let me know how things go! I'll be thinking of you this week!" I say, hoping that will be true.

Driving home, I go over my mental checklist: Did I catch up with the people who most needed my attention this week? Did I double check the door that sticks? I hope that Andrew hasn't hidden away in one of the back bathrooms again. Who can blame him when the streets are so cold? I hope there's a warm lunch awaiting me at home. But beyond hunger for food, there's a deeper hunger: for sleep. I've worked eight-hour shifts in offices and ten-hour shifts in restaurants. Why does this six-hour work day wear me out more than any of them? I guess it doesn't matter "why"... I wouldn't have it any other way." 

(This is a work of fiction loosely based on Hubs last seven years of ministry and adapted from an article written by Mandy Smith, lead Pastor of University Christian Church in Cincinnati, Ohio: http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2015/january-online-only/sunday-through-pastors-eyes.html )