A different kind of resolution… from the mind of an introspective girl

Ah… the countdown to New Years Eve… a time for new beginnings & making resolutions.

Most people are pretty laid back about it… they vow to eat less, work out more, quit a bad habit, pick up a new hobby, become more organized or spend more time with family & friends.

I on the other hand, begin to reassess everything.  As the end of the year draws closer, I find myself pensively preoccupied, very often retreating within myself… mulling over my flaws, trying to pick just one thing to work on; gradually becoming overwhelmed & finally… exhausted. 

With the cheerful hubbub of Christmas now behind us, I once again found myself feeling contemplative.  At first, my thought patterns seemed harmless enough & to my credit, I did make a concerted effort to stay lighthearted & optimistic. I tried to distract myself by devoting my free time to my home & family, but by mid-week, I began to feel myself more & more reflective & by last night I was just plain crabby.

I woke again this morning in an irritable mood.  I wandered out to the couch, filled a mug with coffee & curled up with my Bible & prayer journal.  As I opened the cover of the journal the following quote hit me between the eyes: 

“It is a great grace of God to practice self-examination; but too much is as bad as too little.”  –Teresa of Avila

Aha…                                                        

In that moment, I made the decision to stop obsessing about this whole ‘New Year’s Resolution’ thing.  Instead, I’m going  to take a deep breath, let it go & leave it up to God.  I'm going to praise Him for the many ways He has grown me this past year & pray that I will approach 2012 with my arms open wide to receive whatever it is that He has to teach me.  After all, He knows me better than I know myself...

Know that the LORD is God,

It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               –Psalm 100:3

A Christmas Prayer

“For the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name.” 

-Mary the mother of Jesus, Luke 1:34

The one tradition our family has kept over the years is the way we celebrate Christmas Eve. We begin our evening by attending the Christmas Eve service at our church & finish back at home for our family Christmas time. We snuggle up in our P.J.’s, eat our favorite holiday food, open gifts & watch ‘The Nativity Story’ together. Each of us looks forward to this time for different reasons. For Chuck, it’s the Christmas cookies; for Josh, the shrimp ring; for Caleb, it’s the cheese ball & for Hannah, the gift giving.  

This year, for me, it was the prayer time...

As we went around the room, offering thanks for the blessings God has given us this past year, I was overcome by emotion. I was struck by how remarkable it was to have them each share their hearts with vulnerability, & how extraordinarily blessed I am to have my little family together for the holidays.

I pray the same Joy... Peace... & Love to you this day....

Keeping Christmas

Each year, I struggle more & more with whole holiday season. Not in the sense of; “Bah Humbug… I hate everything bright & fun & festive”… but by a question that continues to nibble away at me: “Is the way that I keep Christmas honoring Jesus?”

It’s easy to get caught up in the hubbub of the season. After all, there have been Christmas songs on the radio since November & we have traditions to uphold. We have cookies to bake, gifts to shop for, cards to address, meals to prepare, parties to go to, concerts to attend, decorating to do & the list goes on & on.

I often feel caught between celebrating the birth of the Messiah by doing all the customary things expected of me & longing to keep things as simple as possible. I question how I can, in good conscience, revel in excess while so many around me are struggling just to make ends meet. & I just can't help but wonder… if my circumstances were different… if I had less… if I were hungry or cold or sick or alone… would I be less grateful? Would I have less joy?

… & what of this joy?

 Is it exclusive to Christmas? Is it found in the twinkling lights, cheerful decorations & brightly wrapped packages? Or created by something much deeper.

This week, I came across a book written by a 19^th century clergyman, Henry Van Dyke, that spoke volumes to my conflicted soul. In it he raises the question:

“Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and desires of little children; to remember the weaknesses and loneliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love you, and to ask yourself if you love them enough; to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts; to trim your lamp so that it will give more light and less smoke, and to carry it in front so that your shadow will fall behind you; to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings, with the gate open? Are you willing to do these things for a day? Then you are ready to keep Christmas…”

It reminded me instantly of the words of our precious Lord Jesus…

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart & with all your soul & with all your strength & with all your mind’ ; &, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”

– Luke 10:27

Ah Lord God, it is my prayer this holiday season that I will nurture these truths in my heart & will “keep Christmas” each & every day.

I’m not too proud... I'm pooped out…

“I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls.” –Jeremiah 31:25 (The Message)

I’ve been fending off sickness for weeks… three doctors appointments… three antibiotics.

I have to admit, I fought valiantly.  I just couldn’t afford to slow down for just one minute. After all, I have a job to do, a husband to encourage, kids to love on, meals to cook, laundry to do, carpools to drive, programs to attend, friends to call, there are a million things to do at church & Christmas is just around the corner.  So I just pushed through… sniffling, coughing & grouching at everyone; popping cough drops like candy & carrying a tissue around in my shirt sleeve like my gramma used to do. It was a tragic sight.

Finally this week, my poor body just gave up on me.  I crashed.  I found myself dragging myself out of bed around 11am just to shower & crawl back in again.  As I lay exhausted, in the quiet, I wondered aloud, “How did this happen?”  

How did this happen? Seriously? How about the fact that lately, my life has been so busy, I haven’t had time to think, let alone be sick. I ignored all the symptoms. I just didn’t have time. & now here I was, flat on my back, drowning in a sea of tissue. Just lovely.

On my second day of recovery, I managed to wander out to the couch where my husband tucked me into the chaise lounge & made sure I had everything I need to get better. 

As I basked in the tranquility of my house, reading a book I hadn’t had time for, leisurely surfing the internet & watching a Law & Order marathon, I really started to rethink this whole “being sick” thing.  
Yeah, my nose was still stuffed & I was still coughing but I was resting in a way I hadn’t in a really long time. I felt relieved. I felt peaceful. & that left me confused. Why do I feel so guilty about talking time like this to rest? Why is it so hard to say NO to all the many things that grapple for my attention?

It reminded me of a quote I read recently by Mike Yaconelli:

“Rest is a decision we make. Rest is choosing to do nothing when we have too much to do, slowing down when we feel pressure to go faster, stopping instead of starting. Rest is listening to our weariness and responding to our tiredness, not to what is making us tired. Rest is what happens when we say one simple word: "No!" Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us. Once we understand how unnecessary we are, only then might we find the right reasons to say yes. Only then might we find the right reasons to decide to be with Jesus instead of working for him. Only then might we have the courage to take a nap with Jesus.”

Oh my goodness!  Isn’t that an extraordinary thought?!  I can’t help but wonder if I made a deliberate choice to change my behavior… maybe just maybe, I would have the time, the energy & the passion to accomplish all that God has called me to do each day.   

So… excuse me. I think I’m done writing now.  I’m gonna go take a little nap… with Jesus.

Yooper will probably be there too :-)

Left-Over Thanksgiving "Stuffing"

Psalm 28

¹ To you, LORD, I call;
you are my Rock,
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who go down to the pit.
² Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.

³ Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.
⁴ Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back on them what they deserve.

⁵ Because they have no regard for the deeds of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.

⁶ Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
⁷ The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.

⁸ The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
⁹ Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.

I’m a natural born ‘stuffer’ of feelings.  An over-thinker.  A muller. A stewer.  I’m at odds most times with myself as I want very much to be an authentic person in all areas of my life & yet I’m often afraid that delving into the deepest parts of myself will be painful… like picking a scab off an old wound.  

Recently, I attended a Sunday school class on the Psalms with my Dad, who was visiting from Ohio. As we read through Psalm 28, he shared very candidly about being deeply injured by people… As he spoke, I felt old hurt bubble up inside of me. Hurt I had stuffed & forgotten.  He continued by saying that he found his way to comfort in the shelter of Jesus arms… & as he began to heal, he opened his heart to truly forgive those that hurt him. He even said that he had sought reconciliation with some of these people. Gasp!

Later on that afternoon, I asked him about this whole reconciliation thing. I wanted to know, ‘how did these people respond?’ He said that not everyone had been perceptive to what he had to say. Some weren’t interested in talking with him at all. Not that he seemed discouraged by it. He had done the right thing. He had chose to forgive & gone beyond that to ask forgiveness & extend grace.

So, I did what I do best. I thought. I stewed. I mulled. & I stewed some more…

& then… Ouchy… I began to u-n-s-t-u-f-f…

One by one, I gave those long-buried hurts up to God… I felt my heart soften a little… & I began to understand what my dad was talking about.

This week, I wrote some letters.  I don’t know if everyone I sent one to will remember me or if they will even care. But I know in my heart that I am doing what God desires of me. As Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

It is my prayer that God continue to give me the courage to go beyond forgiveness every time someone hurts me… that not only will I be able to extend grace to my brothers & sisters in Christ but that I will be able to pray God’s best for them… that they will use their lives to honor God & that He will use them in a mighty way for His kingdom!

A little snow, two dogs & a walk on the Wobegon…

Last week we had our first snowfall. As we headed out to walk our dogs on the trail near our house, I was struck by how different their reactions were to the ‘new’ environment.  Abby, our chocolate lab, pulled at her lead with all her might.  She danced & barked with excitement as we reached the trail head. While Yooper, our rat terrier, stayed close by my side. He was looking nervous, his tail down & his ears back.  Occasionally he looked up at me as if to say, “Are you kidding me right now?”

When we arrived at the trail, we unsnapped Abby’s lead & let her run. She bounded down the trail, zigzagging back & forth through the weeds till she found a stick for us to throw.

Yooper continued to trot along by my side watching vigilantly for anything that looked remotely dangerous & looking back from time to time to sure I was still there at the end of his leash. 

I couldn’t help but think how their responses are similar to those of their human counterparts. Very often, I find that I am more like Yooper… I am fearful of the path God is leading me on.  I don’t always trust that my Master knows the way or knows what is best for me. I hang back, look around nervously & ask God what He is doing. Oh how I long to be more like Abby...  I want to embrace God’s plan, run with wild abandon down the path my Master has set before me & enjoy every moment of the journey. 

‘You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.’

–Psalm 16:11

Little moments... long remembered...

“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” -James 4:14 (NASB)

 When is the last time you really looked at your children?  Deliberately stopping what you are doing for a moment & without them noticing… really looked at them. This last week as my whole family was home for Thanksgiving I found myself really studying my children. Looking into their eyes & taking in how beautiful they are. Studying their faces & finding features I hadn’t noticed in a long while.  Joshua’s deep dimples & thick curls, the little chicken pox scar left over Caleb’s eye & the way those eyes dance when he is being naughty, how Hannah is still growing into her teeth & the way she wrinkles her nose when she laughs.   

 Over the next few months all three of the Pelkey ‘kids’ are reaching milestone birthdays. Our Joshua just turned 21 in November, Caleb will be 18 in February & Miss Hannah is 10 today. This morning, she jumped out of bed, burst from her bedroom, threw her arms open wide & yelled, “Today I am 10! I’m in the double digits now!” 

After we bundled her up & reluctantly sent her off to school, I was looking back through some of our old journaling & found this beautiful entry by my husband, written when Joshua was 10. I think it speaks perfectly to what has been happening in my heart these past few days…  

“Last night as I walked into my boys bedroom, I knew they would already be sleeping.  I had been at youth group & they needed to go to bed before I got home.  I quietly moved to Caleb’s bed first.  Bent over & kissed him on his cheek.  He mumbled something & rolled over.  His little boy face was lit up from the light in the hallway.  His little bear tucked under his arm & his blanket wrapped tightly around him.  He looked so peaceful, so still.

Then I turned to Joshua’s bed & found him facing the wall as I approached.  I bent over him & stopped as I looked down.  His little boy face didn’t look little anymore.  It sure didn’t have the same little boy features as Caleb’s did.  I noticed for the first time, my oldest son.  My firstborn little boy was becoming a little man & I had not even noticed it until now.  I bent over & kissed his cheek & whispered “goodnight, son” & began to turn away.  As I got to the door, I heard Josh say, “Send Daddy up.”.  I replied that it was me & that I was just tucking him in.  He called me in again & asked for hugs and kisses.  I was more than eager to comply with his request & as I held him, I wondered where the time had gone.  When did he begin to grow up?  I wanted more time to be his daddy & he my little boy.  But I knew it would all too soon be a memory.  I said prayers with him & said good night & walked out of his room.”

As James says, “our life is just a vapor that appears for a moment & then vanishes away”… Today, our eldest son truly is a man & his little brother is not that far behind. & while it has always been our prayer that we never take for granted their place in our home we understand that they have begun lives of their own, outside of us. It is because of this that I am even more grateful for each & every moment that we are able to have them with us… for weekends like this past one… being able to share turkey dinner together, take a walk on the trail with our dogs, watch our favorite teams play football, stay up too late playing board games, talking & laughing till we cry or till I pee my pants.

I am incredibly thankful to Jesus for allowing me to experience such joy in my life & for blessing me with the opportunity to be ‘Mom’ to these three… crazy beautiful, ridiculously amazing people.

Happy Birthday Joshua, Caleb & Hannah!