Friday, December 30, 2011

A different kind of resolution… from the mind of an introspective girl



Ah… the countdown to New Years Eve… a time for new beginnings & making resolutions.

Most people are pretty laid back about it… they vow to eat less, work out more, quit a bad habit, pick up a new hobby, become more organized or spend more time with family & friends.
I on the other hand, begin to reassess everything.  As the end of the year draws closer, I find myself pensively preoccupied, very often retreating within myself… mulling over my flaws, trying to pick just one thing to work on; gradually becoming overwhelmed & finally… exhausted. 
With the cheerful hubbub of Christmas now behind us, I once again found myself feeling contemplative.  At first, my thought patterns seemed harmless enough & to my credit, I did make a concerted effort to stay lighthearted & optimistic. I tried to distract myself by devoting my free time to my home & family, but by mid-week, I began to feel myself more & more reflective & by last night I was just plain crabby.
I woke again this morning in an irritable mood.  I wandered out to the couch, filled a mug with coffee & curled up with my Bible & prayer journal.  As I opened the cover of the journal the following quote hit me between the eyes: 
“It is a great grace of God to practice self-examination; but too much is as bad as too little.”  –Teresa of Avila
Aha…                                                        

In that moment, I made the decision to stop obsessing about this whole ‘New Year’s Resolution’ thing.  Instead, I’m going  to take a deep breath, let it go & leave it up to God.  I'm going to praise Him for the many ways He has grown me this past year & pray that I will approach 2012 with my arms open wide to receive whatever it is that He has to teach me.  After all, He knows me better than I know myself...

Know that the LORD is God,
It is he who made us, and we are his;
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               –Psalm 100:3



Sunday, December 25, 2011

A Christmas Prayer

“For the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name.” 
-Mary the mother of Jesus, Luke 1:34

The one tradition our family has kept over the years is the way we celebrate Christmas Eve. We begin our evening by attending the Christmas Eve service at our church & finish back at home for our family Christmas time. We snuggle up in our P.J.’s, eat our favorite holiday food, open gifts & watch ‘The Nativity Story’ together. Each of us looks forward to this time for different reasons. For Chuck, it’s the Christmas cookies; for Josh, the shrimp ring; for Caleb, it’s the cheese ball & for Hannah, the gift giving.  

This year, for me, it was the prayer time...

As we went around the room, offering thanks for the blessings God has given us this past year, I was overcome by emotion. I was struck by how remarkable it was to have them each share their hearts with vulnerability, & how extraordinarily blessed I am to have my little family together for the holidays.
I pray the same Joy... Peace... & Love to you this day....


Friday, December 23, 2011

Keeping Christmas


Each year, I struggle more & more with whole holiday season. Not in the sense of; “Bah Humbug… I hate everything bright & fun & festive”… but by a question that continues to nibble away at me: “Is the way that I keep Christmas honoring Jesus?”
It’s easy to get caught up in the hubbub of the season. After all, there have been Christmas songs on the radio since November & we have traditions to uphold. We have cookies to bake, gifts to shop for, cards to address, meals to prepare, parties to go to, concerts to attend, decorating to do & the list goes on & on.
I often feel caught between celebrating the birth of the Messiah by doing all the customary things expected of me & longing to keep things as simple as possible. I question how I can, in good conscience, revel in excess while so many around me are struggling just to make ends meet. & I just can't help but wonder… if my circumstances were different… if I had less… if I were hungry or cold or sick or alone… would I be less grateful? Would I have less joy?
… & what of this joy?
 Is it exclusive to Christmas? Is it found in the twinkling lights, cheerful decorations & brightly wrapped packages? Or created by something much deeper.
This week, I came across a book written by a 19th century clergyman, Henry Van Dyke, that spoke volumes to my conflicted soul. In it he raises the question:
“Are you willing to stoop down and consider the needs and desires of little children; to remember the weaknesses and loneliness of people who are growing old; to stop asking how much your friends love you, and to ask yourself if you love them enough; to bear in mind the things that other people have to bear on their hearts; to trim your lamp so that it will give more light and less smoke, and to carry it in front so that your shadow will fall behind you; to make a grave for your ugly thoughts and a garden for your kindly feelings, with the gate open? Are you willing to do these things for a day? Then you are ready to keep Christmas…”
It reminded me instantly of the words of our precious Lord Jesus…
“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart & with all your soul & with all your strength & with all your mind’ ; &, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
– Luke 10:27
Ah Lord God, it is my prayer this holiday season that I will nurture these truths in my heart & will “keep Christmas” each & every day.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I’m not too proud... I'm pooped out…

“I'll refresh tired bodies; I'll restore tired souls.” –Jeremiah 31:25 (The Message)
I’ve been fending off sickness for weeks… three doctors appointments… three antibiotics.


I have to admit, I fought valiantly.  I just couldn’t afford to slow down for just one minute. After all, I have a job to do, a husband to encourage, kids to love on, meals to cook, laundry to do, carpools to drive, programs to attend, friends to call, there are a million things to do at church & Christmas is just around the corner.  So I just pushed through… sniffling, coughing & grouching at everyone; popping cough drops like candy & carrying a tissue around in my shirt sleeve like my gramma used to do. It was a tragic sight.




Finally this week, my poor body just gave up on me.  I crashed.  I found myself dragging myself out of bed around 11am just to shower & crawl back in again.  As I lay exhausted, in the quiet, I wondered aloud, “How did this happen?”  


How did this happen? Seriously? How about the fact that lately, my life has been so busy, I haven’t had time to think, let alone be sick. I ignored all the symptoms. I just didn’t have time. & now here I was, flat on my back, drowning in a sea of tissue. Just lovely.


On my second day of recovery, I managed to wander out to the couch where my husband tucked me into the chaise lounge & made sure I had everything I need to get better. 

As I basked in the tranquility of my house, reading a book I hadn’t had time for, leisurely surfing the internet & watching a Law & Order marathon, I really started to rethink this whole “being sick” thing.  
Yeah, my nose was still stuffed & I was still coughing but I was resting in a way I hadn’t in a really long time. I felt relieved. I felt peaceful. & that left me confused. Why do I feel so guilty about talking time like this to rest? Why is it so hard to say NO to all the many things that grapple for my attention?


It reminded me of a quote I read recently by Mike Yaconelli:
“Rest is a decision we make. Rest is choosing to do nothing when we have too much to do, slowing down when we feel pressure to go faster, stopping instead of starting. Rest is listening to our weariness and responding to our tiredness, not to what is making us tired. Rest is what happens when we say one simple word: "No!" Rest is the ultimate humiliation because in order to rest, we must admit we are not necessary, that the world can get along without us, that God's work does not depend on us. Once we understand how unnecessary we are, only then might we find the right reasons to say yes. Only then might we find the right reasons to decide to be with Jesus instead of working for him. Only then might we have the courage to take a nap with Jesus.”


Oh my goodness!  Isn’t that an extraordinary thought?!  I can’t help but wonder if I made a deliberate choice to change my behavior… maybe just maybe, I would have the time, the energy & the passion to accomplish all that God has called me to do each day.   


So… excuse me. I think I’m done writing now.  I’m gonna go take a little nap… with Jesus.
Yooper will probably be there too :-)

Monday, December 12, 2011

Left-Over Thanksgiving "Stuffing"

Psalm 28

1 To you, LORD, I call;
you are my Rock,
do not turn a deaf ear to me.
For if you remain silent,
I will be like those who go down to the pit.
2 Hear my cry for mercy
as I call to you for help,
as I lift up my hands
toward your Most Holy Place.
3 Do not drag me away with the wicked,
with those who do evil,
who speak cordially with their neighbors
but harbor malice in their hearts.
4 Repay them for their deeds
and for their evil work;
repay them for what their hands have done
and bring back on them what they deserve.
5 Because they have no regard for the deeds of the LORD
and what his hands have done,
he will tear them down
and never build them up again.
6 Praise be to the LORD,
for he has heard my cry for mercy.
7 The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and he helps me.
My heart leaps for joy,
and with my song I praise him.
8 The LORD is the strength of his people,
a fortress of salvation for his anointed one.
9 Save your people and bless your inheritance;
be their shepherd and carry them forever.


I’m a natural born ‘stuffer’ of feelings.  An over-thinker.  A muller. A stewer.  I’m at odds most times with myself as I want very much to be an authentic person in all areas of my life & yet I’m often afraid that delving into the deepest parts of myself will be painful… like picking a scab off an old wound.  
Recently, I attended a Sunday school class on the Psalms with my Dad, who was visiting from Ohio. As we read through Psalm 28, he shared very candidly about being deeply injured by people… As he spoke, I felt old hurt bubble up inside of me. Hurt I had stuffed & forgotten.  He continued by saying that he found his way to comfort in the shelter of Jesus arms… & as he began to heal, he opened his heart to truly forgive those that hurt him. He even said that he had sought reconciliation with some of these people. Gasp!
Later on that afternoon, I asked him about this whole reconciliation thing. I wanted to know, ‘how did these people respond?’ He said that not everyone had been perceptive to what he had to say. Some weren’t interested in talking with him at all. Not that he seemed discouraged by it. He had done the right thing. He had chose to forgive & gone beyond that to ask forgiveness & extend grace.
So, I did what I do best. I thought. I stewed. I mulled. & I stewed some more…
& then… Ouchy… I began to u-n-s-t-u-f-f…
One by one, I gave those long-buried hurts up to God… I felt my heart soften a little… & I began to understand what my dad was talking about.
This week, I wrote some letters.  I don’t know if everyone I sent one to will remember me or if they will even care. But I know in my heart that I am doing what God desires of me. As Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
It is my prayer that God continue to give me the courage to go beyond forgiveness every time someone hurts me… that not only will I be able to extend grace to my brothers & sisters in Christ but that I will be able to pray God’s best for them… that they will use their lives to honor God & that He will use them in a mighty way for His kingdom!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

A little snow, two dogs & a walk on the Wobegon…


Last week we had our first snowfall. As we headed out to walk our dogs on the trail near our house, I was struck by how different their reactions were to the ‘new’ environment.  Abby, our chocolate lab, pulled at her lead with all her might.  She danced & barked with excitement as we reached the trail head. While Yooper, our rat terrier, stayed close by my side. He was looking nervous, his tail down & his ears back.  Occasionally he looked up at me as if to say, “Are you kidding me right now?”


When we arrived at the trail, we unsnapped Abby’s lead & let her run. She bounded down the trail, zigzagging back & forth through the weeds till she found a stick for us to throw.

Yooper continued to trot along by my side watching vigilantly for anything that looked remotely dangerous & looking back from time to time to sure I was still there at the end of his leash. 


I couldn’t help but think how their responses are similar to those of their human counterparts. Very often, I find that I am more like Yooper… I am fearful of the path God is leading me on.  I don’t always trust that my Master knows the way or knows what is best for me. I hang back, look around nervously & ask God what He is doing. Oh how I long to be more like Abby...  I want to embrace God’s plan, run with wild abandon down the path my Master has set before me & enjoy every moment of the journey. 


‘You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your presence is fullness of joy;
In Your right hand there are pleasures forever.’
–Psalm 16:11

Friday, December 2, 2011

Little moments... long remembered...

“Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.” -James 4:14 (NASB)

 When is the last time you really looked at your children?  Deliberately stopping what you are doing for a moment & without them noticing… really looked at them. This last week as my whole family was home for Thanksgiving I found myself really studying my children. Looking into their eyes & taking in how beautiful they are. Studying their faces & finding features I hadn’t noticed in a long while.  Joshua’s deep dimples & thick curls, the little chicken pox scar left over Caleb’s eye & the way those eyes dance when he is being naughty, how Hannah is still growing into her teeth & the way she wrinkles her nose when she laughs.   



 Over the next few months all three of the Pelkey ‘kids’ are reaching milestone birthdays. Our Joshua just turned 21 in November, Caleb will be 18 in February & Miss Hannah is 10 today. This morning, she jumped out of bed, burst from her bedroom, threw her arms open wide & yelled, “Today I am 10! I’m in the double digits now!” 

After we bundled her up & reluctantly sent her off to school, I was looking back through some of our old journaling & found this beautiful entry by my husband, written when Joshua was 10. I think it speaks perfectly to what has been happening in my heart these past few days…  

“Last night as I walked into my boys bedroom, I knew they would already be sleeping.  I had been at youth group & they needed to go to bed before I got home.  I quietly moved to Caleb’s bed first.  Bent over & kissed him on his cheek.  He mumbled something & rolled over.  His little boy face was lit up from the light in the hallway.  His little bear tucked under his arm & his blanket wrapped tightly around him.  He looked so peaceful, so still.

Then I turned to Joshua’s bed & found him facing the wall as I approached.  I bent over him & stopped as I looked down.  His little boy face didn’t look little anymore.  It sure didn’t have the same little boy features as Caleb’s did.  I noticed for the first time, my oldest son.  My firstborn little boy was becoming a little man & I had not even noticed it until now.  I bent over & kissed his cheek & whispered “goodnight, son” & began to turn away.  As I got to the door, I heard Josh say, “Send Daddy up.”.  I replied that it was me & that I was just tucking him in.  He called me in again & asked for hugs and kisses.  I was more than eager to comply with his request & as I held him, I wondered where the time had gone.  When did he begin to grow up?  I wanted more time to be his daddy & he my little boy.  But I knew it would all too soon be a memory.  I said prayers with him & said good night & walked out of his room.”

As James says, “our life is just a vapor that appears for a moment & then vanishes away”… Today, our eldest son truly is a man & his little brother is not that far behind. & while it has always been our prayer that we never take for granted their place in our home we understand that they have begun lives of their own, outside of us. It is because of this that I am even more grateful for each & every moment that we are able to have them with us… for weekends like this past one… being able to share turkey dinner together, take a walk on the trail with our dogs, watch our favorite teams play football, stay up too late playing board games, talking & laughing till we cry or till I pee my pants.

I am incredibly thankful to Jesus for allowing me to experience such joy in my life & for blessing me with the opportunity to be ‘Mom’ to these three… crazy beautiful, ridiculously amazing people.

Happy Birthday Joshua, Caleb & Hannah!  

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Girlfriends in God...



'Every time you cross my mind,

I break out in exclamations of thanks to God.
Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer.
I find myself praying for you with a glad heart.
I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us,
believing and proclaiming God's Message,
from the day you heard it right up to the present.
There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that
the God who started this great work in you
would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish
on the very day Christ Jesus appears.'
~Philippians 1:6
 
There are things that define us… moments in time when a light comes on inside our souls & give us a sense of direction & purpose. One of these moments for me was on the evening of our first Elder’s Wives Dinner this fall…
God has really been working & growing me the past few years. He has given me good friends that hold me accountable & the people & culture of ACC have afforded me an amazing place to "find my feet" as a pastor's wife. While all of those things have had a part in where I am right now, these amazing women have had an incredible impact on me. 


When I first asked to begin meeting with the elders wives last year; it was out of desperation on my part. As Chuck & I began to see ACC grow, we were beginning to feel stretched & disconnected... It was about this time that Chuck read & committed to work through Chuck Swindoll's book, "The Church Awakening" with the elders. He found that it not only solidified & bonded their relationships on a deeper level, but as the men stepped up willingly to use their gifts to edify the church & each other, he began to feel the friendship & support he was needing. Today, he trusts them with his life... I can't tell you how uncommon that is in ministry. 



I was longing for this kind of connection as well.  So after sharing my heart with Chuck & spending time praying together, I called the elder’s wives & asked them to come for coffee. The way these women opened up their hearts & homes to me, gave me more than I had ever could have hoped for. Through those times of prayer & studying, crying & laughing together, I felt the kind support & love that I have needed not only to find the courage to be myself but to be able to give ACC the girl that God wants me to be with confidence.


This past summer, we as a group, began to feel God prompt us to create an environment for the women of our church to experience intimacy. Part of this prompting was for us to treat them to a special dinner. It was amazing to see, as the evening began to take shape, how God was using the gifts He has given each of these women to bring a unique & special touch to the experience. 

Oh what a joy is was to me to be part of such God honoring event… We experienced a beautiful evening, in a gorgeous place, while eating delicious food & enjoying fabulous service. Most importantly were able to connect on a different level as women, to share laughter & shed a few tears.  I know I came away changed in a profound way… & I am so excited to see how God is going to continue to work through the Elder’s Wives & the women of ACC.

It's from the deepest part of my soul that I say, thank you, thank you, thank you for ministering to me!


Why blogging?


So speak encouraging words to one another.
Build up hope so you'll all be together in this, no one left out, no one left behind.'
-1 Thessalonians 5:11 (The Message)

Yesterday as my husband Chuck & I were reading & discussing some of the comments made about my first blog entry, he challenged me to dig deeper into what I feel that God is calling me to do through writing.

When I first became a “reluctant pastor’s wife”, I felt a little like a fish out of water. While Chuck had been to seminary, I had not. I felt like I needed a few classes… Maybe some obscure college offered online courses like, “Pastor’s Wives 101”, “What do you do if you don’t play piano?” or “How to Avoid Public Speaking”. Although, I grew up in the home of a pastor, I hadn’t planned on being a pastor’s wife, so I hadn’t been paying real close attention to how the whole thing worked. So I did the only thing I could do, I ordered the few books I could find on the subject & began to surf the internet for sites that might offer further encouragement. Unfortunately, I came away from each experience a little disappointed. Much of the published material I found to read offered wonderful tips on how to send thank you notes, create a menu for entertaining large groups & choosing an appropriate wardrobe. The web-sites I visited discouraged me even further. It felt to me that the resources, forums & chat rooms I found for pastor’s wives were nothing more than organized gripe sessions about the churches & people that their husbands were ministering to. I remember specifically a poem I read on one of these sites… it chronicled the difficulties a pastor’s wife endured: the expectations to be a perfect wife, have perfect children, the loneliness & longing to have a trustworthy friend & the pain of being betrayed by those her husband pours his life into. While I do admit that I have felt some of those things over the years, I did not want to this to become my focus or attitude about ministry. Instead, my heart’s desire became to find the positive in God’s work & to have my life be a reflection of the crazy, beautiful things that God can do in & through those that love Him.

Last week, I had the pleasure of driving to Minneapolis with a college friend of my son Joshua's, to watch Crown play football in the MetroDome. She is engaged to a wonderful young man who is studying to be a pastor. As I listened to the excitement & passion in her voice as she shared what God is calling them to do as a couple, I have to admit, I saw some of my younger self in her & was convicted to be a source of encouragement to her as she begins her journey as a wife of a pastor.

Through this blog, it is my hope to be able to take this conviction a step further. To use this type of forum to offer positive insights, resources & encouragement to all women. I know there may be times that what I feel God prompting me to write may not be heart-warming. I am finding that following God's plan for me is challenging the way I communicate... sometimes it means speaking the truth about my pain & failures, living my life with integrity & authenticity even when it's not so pretty & to glorify Him by being the encourager He has called me to be...'

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The Testimony of a Reluctant Pastor's Wife

My husband has been after me to get writing! I'm always a little leary about making BIG commitments. & my taking on this blog is something like that. However, I've also been thinking alot about what my journey as a reluctant Pastor's Wife has been & have been wondering if there aren't many other women out there just like me... & so here I go...

I think that as I begin my first blog entry, I should inform you of some things about me that are in your best interest to know.

I have learned many a painful lesson in the past about keeping secrets. I have learned that it is just better to come out and show people who you really are.

Quite a few years ago, I began teaching a ladies Bible study. After about 6 months I had them convinced that I was truly a woman of God. Each week before they arrived, I cleaned my house from top to bottom. I made gourmet snacks & served decaf coffee in fancy teacups. & most importantly I studied my lesson dutifully to bring wisdom and truth to those ladies God had entrusted to me to lead. Then one evening, I invited my baby sister to join us.

I believe it was the first week that she informed them that they should be wary of sharing a drink with me. (Like this is a common occurrence). She explained further that I have a spittle problem. And it seems that in the crucial moment of asking for a “sip” there will always be a string of saliva hanging down between my upper and bottom lip. UGH!

If that weren’t enough she came back the next week to share an unfortunate story of the time I broke my arm while sledding. Apparently, in this particular incident I had hit a bump while going the frozen hill, flew through the air mock III and landed in a bush. As I lay sobbing, sprawled out on my stomach, she, being an unusually, unsympathetic and particularly raggedy child, climbed onto my back and peered down at me. Instantly, she becomes fascinated with my nose…, which is running down my face. And… as I sob… and heave… with each inhale… I am sucking the stream of snot back up into my nose.

Needless to say, after that, I had lost complete control and the last shred of credibility I had.

So now that I have truly bore my soul, here is what I would like you to know about me: I like to be in control. For instance. If I go grocery shopping in the St. Cloud, I have a plan. This makes sense to me. If I follow my plan, I will always be in the right lane to turn into and out of the parking lots or have a light to let me out into traffic. If my husband Chuck decides to drive with me, I know that I am most likely going to have a melt down. He will criss-cross through traffic, make a non-scheduled stop and God forbid, drive all the back up town to have lunch. I guess you can say control or lack of it has been a constant theme in my life.

I was blessed to have been born and raised in a wonderful Christian home. I grew up in the church. 2nd row. Piano side. My parents took the responsibility of teaching my sisters and me about Jesus very seriously. From a very young age, they spent time praying with me, reading me Bible stories and teaching me songs about Jesus. Some of my fondest memories are of our bedtime ritual. We would climb into bed and listen as my mom read us a Bible story and then my dad would pray. When he had finished praying and sang, seven, made up verses of "Jesus Loves the Little Children"; they would tuck us in with hugs and kisses. Although his ministry did not always allow him to do this every night, my mother did this every night until we were grown and has been known to attempt to do this when we have come back to visit. It was during one of these bed times that I asked Jesus into my heart.


Almost as long as I can remember, I have felt the call of Jesus in my life. As a young child, I insisted that I was going to become a missionary nurse and would serve Jesus in a far away country. I was mesmerized with stories told by the missionaries our church supported and devoured books about Hudson Taylor, Amy Carmichael and Jim Elliot. I must have known then though, that no matter what I wanted, God may have had a different plan. I can distinctly remember lying in bed at night pleading with God to, “send me anywhere He wanted me to”, and “to do anything He wanted do…” “Just please don’t ask me to be a pastor’s wife…”


In high school I had the privilege to go on a short term missions trip to Europe and although I maintained an appearance of being a good Christian girl to others around me, I really struggled spiritually during my teen years. Like a lot of young people in the church today, I hadn’t allowed the faith that had been ingrained inside of my head to sink into my heart. Instead I put on a happy face, battled deep insecurities, a poor self image and eventually an eating disorder in silence. Again, I feel blessed to have been part of a strong Christian family. My parent’s guidance and my conscience managed to keep me mostly out of trouble.



Trouble for me came in the form of just the most amazing boy in the whole entire world! Almost from the minute our eyes met… across the crowded room… of our 7th hour choir class. We were inseparable. He was driven and charming & just about the farthest away from being a pastor as you can get. I loved him to the point of distraction & would have followed him absolutely anywhere… & to be quite honest, 25 years later that hasn’t changed much. We married my senior year… before I graduated from high school… against my parents wishes & moved to North Carolina where Chuck was serving in the Marine Corps.





It wasn’t until a couple of years later, when our first child Joshua was born, that I began to desire something more. While I wasn’t sure I  was ready to give up control of my whole life, I knew looking into his sweet little face that I wanted more for him in life than the mediocrity I was living and I knew in order to be able to raise him in a home of faith that I would have to change me.



Change for me was not easy. Joshua’s birth & Chuck’s subsequent year-long deployment to Japan brought out a lot of fear, insecurity  & pain that I had been stuffing down deep inside. Don’t misunderstand me; Joshua was not part of that sadness. He was the one bright spot in my life… a beautiful, joyful, adventurous little guy that made me smile everyday… what terrified me was being without my husband, in circumstances I couldn’t control & a future what was uncertain. I wish I could say that this is where I began to rely on God completely but you see, I was a little bit mad at Him. From the time Chuck had entered the Marines I had very naively said that God would never send him away for over 6 months.  I just didn’t think I could handle that & God wouldn’t ever give me more than I could handle right? Instead, I coped by finding comfort in the way I controlled food. By the time Chuck returned from Japan, my eating disorder was out of control… I was out of control.





While this should have been a happy time for our family, it served as the catalyst for a very “dark time” in our married life… we were trying to adjust to being a family again, when a tragedy in Chuck’s family created a lot of turmoil & pain for him. Instead of relying on each-other in the wake of the chaos that ensued, he began to retreat emotionally & I quickly descended into a scary place physically.




I’ll never forget the moment that I realized that I had “a problem”…. It happened when I was making Josh a hotdog for lunch. I got a little bit of ketchup on my finger… I wiped it off on a towel because I didn’t want to ingest the calories… I remember arguing with myself, “Are you kidding  me? Just lick that off your finger. You are a wack-job… it’s ketchup”. I had absolutely reached rock bottom… all 90 pounds of me…

This little guy saved my life…



I really didn’t want any more children. I was perfectly content with Josh & my size 0 figure… but Chuck wanted more kids. To this day, I’m not sure why he would want to bring another baby into what we had going on, but he did. & he started “praying” about it. I’m pretty sure that is the only thing he had prayed about in about 4 years. SO… needless to say, my 90 pound, not menstruating body got pregnant… on the pill. & while it wasn’t part of my plan, having Caleb was exactly what I needed to give me the motivation to get better…

& once my head began to clear… things changed for me… I truly began seek God with all of my heart…

This was an amazing time for me. I was excited about going to church, attending Bible study, fellowshipping with other believers and studying God’s Word on my own. Not because my parents said I should, or because the Bible said to but because I wanted to. I began to learn that to be a true follower of Jesus I would have to relinquish the control I thought I had over my life and give it over to Him. This was huge for me. I also began to pray for Chuck. At first I just started out small. I prayed that he would attend church with me. As he began to come to church with me, I began to pray that he would develop a deep relationship with God become the spiritual leader of our household.

God answered my prayers and over time our lives were changed completely. Chuck began to feel the call to full time ministry and began working on his master’s degree in Christian Psychology. It was our plan that he would go to work for a Christian counseling center while he worked on his doctorate. We hoped that once his education was completed that he would be able to start his own practice. I loved this plan. We had a good life, two wonderful children, a beautiful new home and went on fabulous vacations. We were living the suburban American dream.

Then late one night, Chuck came home from school and sat me down to talk. He confided that he had been praying about changing his major… to pastoral counseling. I said something like, “What does that mean?” He told me he was feeling called to be a pastor and I was beginning to panic. I’d love to say that I was encouraging and supportive. Instead, I had a mini meltdown. I told him, “This isn’t part of the plan” and quite frankly I didn’t want to talk about it. Maybe he should go back and pray some more. Was he sure he heard right?

He did hear right and I found myself asking God to change my heart.

When the Minister of Youth and Families position opened up at the church where we grew up, Chuck was excited beyond belief for opportunity to  begin our ministry in our hometown of Cedarville, Michigan. I was a little less excited. The first time we discussed it, I said, “Oh great! You know the have had a couple of super-pastor’s wives, including my mother, up there. How am I supposed to live up to them?” He just smiled.

I have to admit the first couple of months were especially hard for me. I put a lot of pressure on myself to fit into the “Pastor’s Wife” mold I had created in my mind. Again I had to come to the realization that the control I was trying so desperately to hold onto was spinning me farther and farther out of it. Once I came to terms with this, I hoped that God would take all of my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy right away. But I have to admit that it has taken a lot longer than I would have liked. Part of struggling with self-worth is that it’s just so hard to see the good qualities that God has naturally gifted you with. My focus had become so skewed. I had allowed the negative, critical things that people had said over the years, to soak into my soul & had accepted it as truth. It wasn’t until I was able to truly see myself through God’s eyes that I was able to move past all that negative self-talk. I’ve had to learn to give myself grace, to accept the gifts that God has given me rather than long for those I think I should have or that look more appealing on others.

I have a dear friend who is an agnostic. We were talking one day about a church event I had been to, where there had been a lady playing the accordion. She laughed & said, “If you learned to play the accordion, I would go to church with you.” Needless to say, I took several months of lessons so I could play Mary Had a Little Lamb in church. She came to the Christmas Eve service to hear me play. On my way out, a gentleman pulled me aside & said to me, “Sweetie… you have a gift. I don’t know what it is but it’s definitely a gift.” It might seem kind of silly but that was about the nicest thing anybody could have said to me during that time & it is a constant reminder to me to weigh my words carefully. You never know when a kind word can buoy someone’s spirit.

I am so grateful to God for those 6 incredible years that we were able to minister in that church. Living in Michigan’s north woods afforded us a slower pace of life where we could nurture our relationships with God, with each other & with our boys. It was also here that God blessed us with  our beautiful daughter Hannah.





As I began to let my guard down & open my heart to what Chuck was doing, I was surprised to find myself relating to the teens, especially the young women. I found it completely natural to come along side them as a friend… to love & encourage them in their walks with the Lord & in their struggles as young women. One of those girls is one of my dearest friends today. Several weeks ago, Chuck & I traveled to Utah where Chuck performed her wedding.





I began to see God’s hand of protection & providence over my life… I began to see purpose to my life & embrace God’s plan for me… Oh my goodness what an amazing thing. Not because of anything I can do in my own strength but because of what God can do with a broken, messed up preacher’s kid.

As God was working in my heart, He was also working in Chuck’s. While the youth ministry program Chuck had started was growing & thriving he was feeling God’s calling for him begin to change. We began to pray that God would show us where & what He wanted us to do. As we prayed, we began to see very clearly that God was leading us to leave our home & for him to pursue a senior pastor position. Part of this process was for us to contact the 4C’s group that Chuck is ordained through & ask them to send us church profiles that were looking for a senior pastor. We took some time to pray over the paperwork both together. We decided to take the profiles separately & number them 1-10 & come back together to talk. ACC was #1 for both of us. There was something that just felt right about it. So Chuck applied for the job. The search committee called us to come out to Minnesota to preach at Community Country church & see the area. We had an amazing time getting to know the search committee & learning about the community. I guess they felt the same about us because before we left the parking lot of the Landing on the Sunday we were to head for home, the committee chair asked us to come back to officially candidate. So the following month, we came back to do just that.





As we drove home from that second trip it was very apparent to us that God was calling us to Avon. Early the next morning, I pulled on my wet suit & headed out on my morning kayak. I was conflicted. I was so excited about the possibility of this new adventure God might have for us. & yet, I was comfortable. I loved my home, my friends, my job. I loved being a youth pastor’s wife… & I was fearful. I wasn’t sure that I had the wisdom or experience to be a senior pastor’s wife. Would I be able to show patience & grace when my husband & children were criticized? Would I be able to be myself, or struggle with trying to be someone I thought the church might expect me to be? Would I be courageous enough to let down my guard to be all God wanted me to be?



That cold November morning… I poured out all of those insecurities to God… & I felt Him speak to my spirit… “Just GO… I will sustain you.” Finally, off the coast of Lake Huron, I threw up my hands & yelled at the sky, “WHATEVER LORD!” Immediately, an incredible peace washed over me.

Later that week when we received the call to move to Minnesota it was with complete peace that I was able to support my husband in his decision to accept the position.

Here’s the really amazing part! Since we have been here at ACC, God has not only given me the courage to be who I am but has grown me in ways I never could have imagined. The guard I was so fearful about maintaining has been completely broken down. I am exactly who you see… the good, the bad & the ugly.

I do have to admit though, that giving up my controlling ways continues to be a process. Although, I am grateful to be in a healthy place spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally, I still find myself giving little things to God every day. But I know my heart has changed. I don’t want to dig my heels in and fight God anymore. I want to be like soft clay in His hands. I’ve been that hard crusty stuff that’s been left out on the table all night and it’s really painful to be molded. I desire to be all that God wants me to be even if it’s not part of my plan.

You know, when I started writing this down to share with the ladies of my church this fall at our first ever Elder's Wives Dinner , I thought I would be talking about transparency & how important it is to be authentic people. As I continued to work through it, I thought maybe it would be more about how important it is to use the gifts that God has given us (no matter how insignificant they seem) to edify the body of Christ. But I asked Chuck to read over my thoughts the morning before I was to speak, he shared that it was very apparent to him that this message is really about surrendering our control into the loving hands of Jesus. I love how my husband thinks… that truly is the testimony of my life.

As I close this first blog entry I want to leave you with this final thought of something I read recently by C.S. Lewis...

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The xplanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.” - Mere Christianity

Ah... Lord... May you always be at  home in my heart!