Bite marks on my butt

I'm about to be brutally honest up in here... it's no secret that I struggle with relationships. I very often find myself opening up with complete transparency only to be betrayed by my own words.

This happened to me last week. Something that I said in confidence, circled its way back around to me. Now, I get that it's never OK for me to gossip... I trust that when or if I'm skirting on the edge of that nonsense, that the people closest to me will check me on it. But I wonder sometimes if it's ever OK to share my heart. You know, the deepest parts of me that no one but God & sometimes Hubs sees.

I have to admit when confronted with my own words this week; my first reaction was to run thru those words my mind... to determine its source... to cut people out... to tighten up my circle. That's what my cautious nature wants to do. But is that what God wants for me?

Proverbs 17:9 reminds me to, "Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and—good-bye, friend!"

This doesn't mean I become a doormat for those who would seek to harm me or share my deepest thoughts with everyone that comes into my life; but it is clear that if I want authenticity from others, I have to continue to be authentic myself. & if I truly want transparency in my closest relationships, I have to be transparent myself. Even if it bites me.

Will I tighten my circle? To be honest, I might for a while. Just while I try to find my footing. Will I close up & not trust? I pray God will give me the courage not to do that terrible thing. I hope instead that this insatiable desire He has put in my heart to be open & honest about my life, far outweighs the pain that might bring me.

I know that tossing out bits & pieces of my heart like that will always be an occupational hazard for me in my role as a pastor's wife... & bite marks on my derrière will mostly likely be a part of that too. 

Courage heart!

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” ― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves