What I Wish Someone Would Have Told Me… Volume 2

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." –C.S. Lewis

This is one of my favorite quotes. It speaks to my relational heart. 

When I first became a pastor’s wife I knew that friendships, especially those in the church would be difficult for me. 

I was right... friendships for me as a ministry wife are trickier than most… & I’m not alone in the ministry world, Pete Wilson even wrote a book called, “Regular people who have friends are considered social. Pastors who have friends are considered cliquish.” Hello? This is my life. 

On top of this I am constantly evaluating who I can confide in… who I can trust to allow me to be myself & not need to keep the image of a perfect cookie-cutter life.

Lori Wilhite and Brandi Wilson, PWs & authors of 'Leading and Loving It: Encouragement For Pastors Wives and Women in Leadership' share the following thoughts: 

Lori: “I don't think what drives a pastor's wife is to keep a pristine image, as for me, I didn't put myself on a pedestal and I didn't want people to put me up there either.  And I didn't try to act like I had it all together. But you're in ministry for 10 minutes and you get burned, which happens a lot, and that makes people become withdrawn and very protective about what they share.”

Brandi: “Well, Lori has wonderful friends at her congregation and I really don't, but even then having the friends that she has, there are still things you can't talk about because you want to protect their worship experience and keep that good for them.  They don't need to know about church politics or the harder side of the ministry.  Isolation is not the answer, the answer is to find a community that you believe is safe.”

I’m going to be painfully honest here. I’ve been burned. Big time. By people who I loved like family & who I thought loved me. As a result, I’ve become a little more guarded & I find myself very often asking myself things like: “Does this person really want to get to know me for me? Are they just hoping get close to me because of my position? Are they hoping to influence me so that I will influence my husband? Will they use my heart against me when things get rough? ” I have to admit, over the years, as a coping mechanism, I’ve developed a little push-pull thing even within my closest relationships to see if they are authentic. Yes people, I know it’s dysfunctional & can be confusing. I’m working on it. 

It's not that I don't have deep spirited friendships. I do. I know I cannot do life alone. After all, God created a placed desire deep down inside each of us to know & be known & that simple truth, is what drives me to look past the potential pain to the joy of what friendship brings.