I thank my God in all my remembrance of you,
always offering prayer with joy in my every prayer for you.
Philippians 1:3-4
I pray over the cups in my cupboard. I know it might sound strange but they remind me of people. I have a big white mug purchased while on vacation with my friend Dawn in North Carolina & a round latte cup I bought with my girlfriend Ellen at our favorite coffee shop on Camp Lejeune. There is a delicate china teacup I picked up in an antique store with my friend Heather just before I moved north & the little chipped mug tucked way in the back that my friend April picks every time she is at my house & I just don’t have the heart to throw away.
Relationships are very important to me. Those that know me best know that I have fiercely devoted most of my life, time, energy & effort into my relationships with my husband & my children. & while I would probably look at relationship building as strength for me, I have to admit, light, easy, surface friendships are really difficult for me. I’ve never been “good” at them. Small talk drives me crazy… I always find myself wanting to go deeper…
I’ve had all kinds of friendships. Some have been part of my life for a sweet season & others for the long haul. I have friends that I socialize with on a professional level, serve on committees, share car pool or work closely with at the office. I have friends that I enjoy socially, have dinner with, take in a movie or concert together or hang out with on Super Bowl Sunday. I have intellectual friends that I meet with over coffee to talk about theology & books & girlfriends from high school who I reminisce with about the good ol’ days.& then there are my deep emotional friends.
This is the type of friendship I want to talk about today.
As I prepared for this message I realized two things… my husband is a genius, rock star. He writes & delivers a sermon every week & just putting down my thoughts on friendship in an orderly fashion has taken me six weeks &…. deep, authentic friendship is very rare.
It’s scary to trust another person with your heart.
CS Lewis in his book The Four Loves talks about this level of trust:
‘To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything & your heart will be wrung & possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies & little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.’
I know that many of you have been beat up, burned out & betrayed by your relationships. I have too. But I want to encourage you today to be brave…
Because when the chips are down, there’s just nothing like a good girlfriend... & deep, constant, godly friendships don’t just “happen.” They are built.
... today I’d like to share with you from my heart, some things I have learned on my own friendship journey...
Spend time together...
You have to be willing to spend time with your friends. I must admit, I probably have lost some friends through the years because I didn’t have the time when they invited me to go places or share experiences with them. The more honest truth is I didn’t choose to make the time. We all tend to make time for the things we want to do. We must also make time for the relationships we desire to have.
When we don’t have time for our friends, we aren’t valuing our friends as we should. We also must be aware that we have only so much time in life, & we likely have only the necessary time for a handful of genuine deep friendships. That does not mean we can’t have more casual friendships---but for a truly deep friendship to develop, time together is vital.
Talk together...
Good conversation is the best way to discover who someone really is—-it is a window through which to peer into another person’s heart, mind, soul, and spirit. When you are with a friend, the topic of your conversation doesn’t really matter.
I used to go riding with my friend Denise once a week. We would saddle up our horses & head out on the trail, winding through the rocks & trees until we reached Lake Huron. What did we talk about? Anything and everything. We talked about whatever popped into our minds. Our conversation was free-flowing, easy, & natural—no subject was off-limits, no topic was too trivial or too big.
Be a good listener…
I once called a friend to share some things that were really weighing on me. As I poured out my heart to her she cut me off short & said, “Whatever. That’s nothing….” & she proceeded into a long tirade about something that had happened that day at the grocery store. I never opened myself up to her again.
On the other hand…I had had a particularly awful day. It was at the height of my eating disorder & Chuck had been in the field for several days for military training. I had been at home with my boys (then 1 & 4) without a car. I called my friend Ellen crying. She listened quietly as I rambled on & on about how terrible my day had been & how I was pretty sure I had given birth to monsters who couldn’t possibly grow up into contributing members of society. Blah, blah, blah, whah, whah, whah… in the process, I confessed that I had eaten an entire box of Captain Crunch cereal in one sitting. She said, “Ouch! The roof of your mouth must be all torn up.” I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. She went on then to speak truth & grace into my life.
When I think back on that moment I am reminded of Proverbs 27:9 --The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.
Share tears & laughter...
True friends cry together & laugh together. When you have a genuine friend, there isn’t any hesitation whatsoever in going to them when you are hurt, rejected, or disappointed . . . or when you have a triumphant moment!
I have to say ladies, that those who stuff all of their emotions—--both sorrow and joy—--do damage to their own physical health. We need the “release” of tears and laughter in order to vent our emotions. Let it bubble out girls!
Touching...
There’s power in human touch.
I am not a touchy person by nature. The joke at my house is that I have a giant bubble & my kids are always popping it. Even at their ages, Josh & Caleb insist on flopping on me & making me rub their backs. Ridiculous. It’s not that I’m adverse to touching, it’s just not part of my nature so I have to work at it. When I first met Chuck, he freaked me out. He did NOT have a bubble & he was constantly touching me. I know what you are thinking but it wasn’t in a sexual way. He’d just reach out & squeeze my hand or touch my shoulder. It was soothing. Comforting.
Most people are hungry to be touched—--it’s a sign of care, empathy, concern, appreciation, and value. I am certainly not advocating that you hug every person in sight, or that you be overly affectionate with casual acquaintances. You must be sensitive to what another person needs & desires. But I am encouraging that you reach out & touch your friends. A hug can be just the healing balm they need.
Be authentic...
When Chuck first entered the ministry my mom, the pastor’s wife extraordinaire, gave me some tips about being a pastor’s wife. She encouraged me to hone my hospitality skills, do my best to keep a clean house in case people dropped by & keep a little stash of decaf coffee & homemade cookies on hand to make the drop-ins feel welcome. I’ve never been real good at all that traditional pastor’s wife stuff so it pretty much went out the window right away. Soon after Chuck began his ministry, I began teaching a ladies group in my home once a week. Several weeks into the study we had had had a pretty busy day & so when the girls began to arrive my dirty supper dishes were still stacked up in the sink (HORROR). As they trooped through the kitchen to get to the decaf coffee one gal stopped at the sink… she looked at the dishes & burst into tears. I have to admit I was a little taken aback by that reaction but I put my arms around her & through her tears she told me that seeing those dishes showed her that I was a real person & she was able to open up about some much deeper issues that were troubling her heart.
Now I’m not encouraging that don’t do your dishes. I’m just saying… don’t hide the HORROR… be yourself. Don’t try to be perfect all the time… it’s exhausting & nobody believes you anyway.
Being authentic also means not holding deceitful motives, hiding your feelings, or harboring a secret agenda. If you are going to develop a genuine friendship, you are going to have to let that person see the real you.
Tolerance...
Friends tolerate the occasional bad mood, the hurtful comment said in haste, or the bad attitude that’s the result of being too tired or too stressed out.
Sometimes tolerance means putting up with an annoying habit. Sometimes it means cutting that person some slack when she’s fifteen minutes late . . . again. Not long ago, I told my high school girlfriend Mindi a story she’d heard so many times she could tell it in detail herself. Backwards & forwards. I knew it & she knew it. But she listened to me as if she were listening to if for the first time. She even laughed at the right parts. I love her for that.
Thankfulness...
A true friend voices thanksgiving for his or her friends. When my dear friend Dawn calls me from North Carolina I can always count on her saying two things to me at some point in the call: “I’m grateful to God for our friendship” and “I love you.” To have a friend who will openly & frequently make those two statements is a wonderful thing! If you haven’t told a friend lately that you are grateful to God for her presence in your life . . . or if you haven’t said, “I love you,” to a friend. . . I encourage you to do so.
& finally... back to the cups in my cupboard...
Each time I take one down, I pray for my friends. I pray that they will have loving, committed marriage relationships & that they will be patient & tender with their children. I pray that they will find purpose in their day to day tasks & meaning in their ministries. Most of all, I pray that they will have passionate relationships with Jesus.
My friends are precious to me. Like the cups in my cupboard they each posses unique qualities that set them apart from other people in the world. And yet… they share in common the qualities of being an uncommon friend. They accept me—warts, wrinkles, weight & all—unconditionally. They will listen to me cry or complain and do their best to look out for my best interest… They have supported me through thick and thin, but because there is mutual respect, they won’t allow me to wallow in self-pity or manipulate them. They encourage me to be my best self & allow me the freedom to make my own choices.
I too desire to be that kind of uncommon friend. & I want to be deliberate about it. I look at my time spent in prayer over morning coffee as part of my love & commitment to these special relationships.
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| The Elders' Wives of ACC |
