—granite-strength and safe-harbor-God—
So trust him absolutely, people;
lay your lives on the line for him.
God is a safe place to be. -Psalm 62:7-8 (the Message)
It's been a long while since I posted here... since right after our church's women's retreat. I've had a lot going on... in my mind anyway... & have been struggling to put words to my thoughts & to really write at all. I always struggle with talking. I'm super bad on the spot & very often even a well-thought out verbal exchange winds up sounding like "um...uh...potatopotatochingchongtomato?". But writing & even reading for that matter, has always been for me a like breathing... I read on the inhale... I write on the exhale... the fact that I haven't been able to string two sentences together is a clear indication of being stuck or in my case stuffed.
I've had other seasons like this in my life, where after a particularly emotional event, I can't seem to figure out "what's next"? This time has been a little different in the sense that I've been a little all over the place. Don't laugh. More than normal people. I've been feeling all kinds of crazy emotions... some beautiful... some ugly... some peaceful... some challenging... all healing.
Emotions are difficult for me & to be honest, their out of control nature scares me a little bit. My rational brain can't understand when my eyes well up with tears for no apparent reason. When something happens & my emotions bubble up... especially when I think I'm past that thing... I want to stuff those feelings back down inside.
Truth be told, God wired me to be a sensitive person. I feel things. Deeply. But somewhere along the way... through walking through tough circumstances in my life... I've developed ways of coping. A real defense against hurt. I've chosen to become a 'stuffer'.
I'm also a people pleaser & am more apt to give value to someone else's feelings than I am my own. I hate for people to be unhappy with me. Or disappointed... I really hate that. On the other hand, in my own disappointments, I'm the queen of 'pull up your big girl panties' & move on. Plus I hate confrontation, so there's that. Recently, my sister said to me, "You try too hard." She's right. I do.
It's sad really. I'm working on it.
& while I've been working really hard to un-stuff & embrace who God has made me, it's hard. I don't want to admit that in un-stuffing I've found that I don't have the rhino skin like I previously thought. I've found that inside, I don't always respond well to criticism, that I sometimes mull too long over things that have hurt me & that there is a well of unforgiveness deep in my soul. I don't like that. In fact, I despise it & I know full well I need to eradicate it before it hinders my relationship with my Savior. I need to be honest about what I think & feel & know as it filters through God's hands, even if that means someone might not like me... gasp.
I can't afford to be a stuffer anymore.
Last week, one of my closest friends asked me how she could pray for me. It caught me off guard. Not that she would ask me such a thing-she has a knack for asking me such things exactly when I need them-I rambled on for a while about how I am busy but a good kind of busy & asked her to be praying that I will continue to find & focus on balancing God, family, work & church lady stuff. Later, as I thought more about what she had asked I felt shallow. Not that I don't need prayer to balance life & make the most of God has given me. But I am struggling with this emotional stuff. Not every day. But some days. & some days all day.
So I texted her back & unloaded all that stuff. I'm not gonna lie, as ugly as it was, it felt like a weight came off my shoulders. I'm not sure how my friend felt on the receiving end of that uber long text but I do know she will be praying till we can connect again in person. In fact, I'm counting on that.
I also know that all of this un-stuffing is not something I'm going to be able to figure out & change in a day or a week or a month or a year but...
This morning, I pulled on three layers of clothing & strapped on my Yaktrax to go for a run in the cold Minnesota snow. I wasn't even past the first mailbox when God began speaking to my weary soul.
"Don't be afraid. I love you. I will fight for you. You can cry. You can hurt. It's OK. You don't have to be so strong."
Truth is:
I need God to consume more of my life than He currently does. My soul wants Him so bad. I want Him to show up tangibly in me. I want Him to soften my rhino skin. I want Him to speak truth to my soul when I hear the lies of the enemy. I want Him to remind me that He is bigger than all my daily crazy. I want Him to stop me in my tracks. I want Him to change me so completely that people will wonder where I end & He begins. I want to know Him fully.
